2010

Hello Hello is anyone there? Helloooo? Well I should try and change that shouldn't I? 


2010 it was a year in which ... I didn't post here. Who would have thought it? Apart from that though, there were several things that happened, too many to really count but there are certainly many things which had a profound effect on me. Here I shall attempt to detail them. If I leave anything out it doesn't mean that I don't care about such an event more that I am an idiot and thus forgot about it. 


The major thing that sticks out in my mind would be the passing of my first year of university. This came as something of a surprise to me because I am kind of an idiot. However self deprecation aside (yeah like that's going to happen around here) It was a brilliant turn of events as now I am doing modules which I truly enjoy as opposed to ones which I barely tolerate. Though it does lead to an annoyance, now that I genuinly enjoy my lectures I find the lack of actual contact time quite infuriating (either 8 or 4 hours a week depending on it being an even or odd week) As while I am doing more work for my course I am still finding that I am spending most of my time without anything really to do. 


I seem to be getting ahead of myself though, as between now and then there were six months, I am trying to think of some of the things that happened in the interim. Well there was one thing, on the 6th of March my Grandfather passed away. Yet as always life does go on. I am pretty sure that he would have preferred me to hold such a view. 


This of course would have been the darkest point the first half of the year, however there was of course upshots, one of these would be the continual presence of Sci-Fi and Fantasy Society. It is somewhat strange because looking on the outside many would likely consider them to be terrible people. I mean there is yet to go a meeting in my knowledge that doesn't descend into discussions concerning some form of horrible perversion. However among these are those whom I consider to be my closest friends. Now what that says about me I will allow you to decide. However these group of people are a constant source of joy to me. Which is a lovely juxtaposition against the despair I feel from the films we watch (Conan being a perfect example of such) so if any of you are reading this (bah like people read this nonsense) I do thank you from the bottom of my heart. 


The summer once again brought me to Hunter NY for a second year working at Camp Loyaltown AHRC once again I cannot praise this place enough. (Seriously if you get me onto the topic of camp I will likely talk at you for hours) once again the love and care shown by all those working there astounds me and reminds me that humanity isn't quite the pit I often feel it is. (that will teach me for living in either Middlesbrough or Hull number one and two worst places to live in Britain respectively) there were far too many periods of nonsense during camp that I can't even begin to list them. First among them that strikes me is the stealing of a space hopper and riding around camp on it like some sort of horse, the cross dressing, painting myself blue (again), the average man and many more. I love this place more than I can ever truly describe. 


Apart from all of the wonder of Camp in general this summer (and by proxy Camp) brought a different kind of joy. It was the first time I was able to see my ladyfriend after ten months. Naturally this was something of a positive to me and anyone who has been in a long distance relationship can understand my happiness at this fact. Indeed the summer brought mine and her year anniversary. Something I was incredibly surprised about for two reasons. Firstly as I was somehow able to maintain any relationship for a year is somewhat amazing I am after all one of the dullest personages that I can think of. Secondly she somehow found me interesting enough to maintain a relationship with what amounts to a laptop for ten months and didn't grow bored with me. That is for me more surprising as essentially anyone is more interesting than me in person I can't conceive of how dull I must be when they don't even get to laugh at how funny looking I am. Oh well more fool her I suppose. 


The end of this summer of course therefore did bring sadness for I was once again forced to depart from my lovely partner but we keep soldiering on etc. Thus with a vaguely weary heart did I begin my second year of University... and it's been brilliant, I have joined several new societies well I say several I mean two and maintained my membership of Sci-Fi. The two I joined were the Anime Society and WARPS which stands for War And Role Playing Society. Of the two I confess that I have spent more time with WARPS as I have several issues with the choices of the Anime soc. However both have yielded either new friendships or deepening of old ones or both. Due almost entirely the efforts of a single friend (whom knows who he is) I joined WARPS and discovered pen and paper RPGs while I had played many video game RPGs I had never tried my hand at their table-top cousin's. This was something of a mixed blessing. Firstly it's good as I enjoy them a great deal. Secondly it's somewhat bad as I threw myself headfirst into the passtime to the extent that two months after starting I am now running a game myself with plans for others while also playing in several. However apart from that through these things I have met some pretty darn amazing people. My main point here is that my second semester has been filled with an influx of extra interesting people. Something which is always a positive in my books. 


So my year overall has been pretty good. There have course been dark points which this thing has glossed over as the positives have outwieghed the negative. Overall I feel this has been a pleasant year. If I was forced to give it a rating I would be in a very strange situation as who rates years they are a continual event and really memory is so poor there can't be an accurate comparison to any other. Really this wasn't a review (though it feels somewhat like one) it was more of an exercise to reassess my current situation in order to remind myself that really things aren't quite as boring as I feel they are most of the time. If anyone is foolish enough to read this I thank you as I assume to an outward viewer my life appears incredibly dull. That would likely be an apt estimate. I hope that your year was pleasant and that the coming one is much the same. 

All my best and be well dear friends

It's all in the timing

Well thanks to a certain someone (also you should totally read his blog he is actually a competent writer) I can't help but think about time now. This is annoying because I dislike dealing with time. I will return to this idea later, but firstly I am going to address the issues raised by that devious bas**rd (again seriously read his stuff it's not twaddle like over here.) 


The Point raised by my esteemed colleague is that time can be a subjective matter, essentially a matter of perspective. Now I can understand this and indeed it does make sense, as he so correctly puts forward time appears to pass more quickly while on is say for example dreading an exam. However is this to say that time itself is subjective, surely the question raised must be does time exist whatsoever? 


Now before I hear the cries of "But Frazer you stupid big haired loon, isn't that post-structuralist and thus against basically most things you stand for?" The answer to that is two fold; on the face value it is essentially such a question. However I don't intend for it to lie as such, by this I mean to say, what is time? for as I said above I dislike time. This is because it refuses to fit into correct schema, by this I mean to say that time is I cannot qualify time as being either man-made or an external construct. This is to say that it appears to be both of these for some of the very reasons that are mentioned above. As if it were a wholly external source it wouldn't appear so subjective surely? e.g. Gravity doesn't sometimes seem stronger and sometimes weaker it tends to remain the same pretty much all the time. However I cannot find it within myself to say that Time isn't partially projected. Consider a year, there is no set reason why it must be 365 and a quarter days long. Indeed there is no reason why a day must be 24 hours long and so on and so forth. 


The easiest way I have found of dealing with it must be to claim that TIME(the external concept) is different from Time(the system of measurement.) This is to say that we as a species have established a way in which to ensure efficiency from nature i.e. through the process of quantifying natural processes such as sunrise etc. Whereas TIME is a universal constant which is observable as we pass along it. Hence why history is in the past and the future is yet to come. (I may have Nietzschean tendencies but eternal recurrence seems abit mad) This I feel must be the way otherwise if TIME didn't exist then there could be even less certainty concerning within nature. (something I was sure I had written about but appear to have not. Another time I suppose) 

All in all dear friends I require some semblance of order in my universe. If there is not that then the maw of Nihilism appears ready to swallow us whole. For without reason we are but dust in the wind. 

General meanderings.

Before we begin I am going to warn you this is not going to be on a particular focus just on some random thoughts as I feel in the mood to write.


This past week I have been thinking a great deal. Not really deeply about anything just have been contemplating things somewhat. Mostly on the nature of what makes people who they are. Now that is no real surprise to me since that's what we are discussing within one of my modules at University at the moment. However none the less it is a point which I have been focusing on. I can come too no real conclusions but the best attempt I have would be that which Sartre proposes that is that one can know that others exist through the contemplation of self image. That is to say that one must consider the way in which those others may perceive them. In particular if one were to act in a way which is not traditional -read as acting in a way which is less than moral- This would suggest that if one were to be witnessed the view of these people would be less than stellar. Indeed it's possible they would look unfavourably. It seems to suggest that other's bar oneself must exist if such thought could be given. After all generally the majority of people find it difficult to conceptualise themselves in a negative light. Thus is it to be that it does appear that other's exist.


Another thought that has been plaguing my mind recently is that of the way in which one is named, and the power naming can have. Again something which has recently came up in one of my lectures. (hey it's like I am taking this degree thing seriously or something ain't it?) Although this is a point  I have wished to address for awhile as I consider the fact that I personally could no doubt have several labels attached to most aspects of my behaviour at the same time. Indeed these label's would likely be considered to be mutually exclusive. Example: Recently I loudly exclaimed "I am the tray emperor!" in the middle of a canteen at University, now within my circle of friends that was considered to be par for course. Yet the general populous likely considered it to be less so. This is not a fantastic example yet currently a better one eludes me. However it serves to illustrate my purpose as in such a situation I was simultaneously likely considered as deviating from social norms and yet also fitting them. This dualistic nature amuses and confuses me. It somewhat demonstrates that context can so highly colour the nature of one's own personal reality.


Indeed that leads me to my third and final (tumultuous cheering at the ending of this nonsense) that is the nature of personal reality. -clarification: I ascribe to the belief that each person inhabits a personal reality which encroaches on that of all other's.- Thus it is also linked to my first musing, how is it that each person has a separate reality and yet each is able to make a huge impact on that of other's. That is to say that often one can have an incredibly profound effect on another's life purely by getting to know them and being within it. This has occurred to me on several occasion's.

My apologies about the rambling nature of these thoughts I have attempted to tie them together but alas it seems to have eluded my abilities. I hope that they provoke some thoughts in you. If they do why not comment and let me know I read all of them after all (yes all those so many comments I have ever had) 

Take care dear friends, and keep thinking.

Some thoughts

Good evening dear friends. Here is a surprise I haven't written much here in awhile. Now this isn't meant as a slight against you indeed I would probably argue tooth and nail that it's doing you a service that I am not writing nonsense for you all to read. However in saying this I am not saying I haven't been busy, I have had exams recently hence my general lack of mental space to muck about with other things rather I have been focused on the philosophies I have had to learn for that little thing called a degree. However I am back with something of a renewed sense of purpose. I vow to bring far more inane pondering's to your attention.


Indeed I have been pondering something's recently, it came to me while leaving to eat dinner earlier in this week. Most would describe what I experienced as something of an existentialist crises, that is to say that I was plagued by the inescapable feeling of wonder about who I am and what I am becoming. Now I have questioned who I am in the past yet this time the feeling was more raw, more primal. I found myself questioning the very nature of the person I am. Through this I progressed into thoughts of what shaped me into acting the way I do. Which brought me to a strange conclusion, I cannot think of the time when I changed from the border line spoilt brat I was when younger to the person I am now. 


Naturally I don't consider myself to be a particularly "good" person, but I think I am at least more considerate to other's needs and wants but the major issue I found myself facing was Why? Why am I this way? Of this I was unable to create any firm positions from which to stand. I concluded that the only reason I am opposed to injustices against minorities is that were I in said position I wouldn't want such treatment. This makes me wonder: My words and actions are generally regarded as being moralistic. But am I? Thus the question becomes is it intent that denotes the worth of a person or is it purely their actions? Therefore I was forced to ask myself: am I in fact still that selfish coward of yesteryear only expressing such cowardice in another form? I would like to think not but then again I am never sure, as I say the point remains on definition of what it is to be good. However despite this somewhat unnerving train of thought was interrupted my another. I began to consider my effect on others. Herein led me to an alternative reason of my motivations. Perhaps I don't act in such a way because I don't want to have it happen to me. But instead because I know and care about people who have suffered in life through one way or another. Which leads me to believe that rebel against people treating each other poorly because I have seen pain being wrought on those I care about and I wouldn't want anyone else to suffer so. 


This quite demonstrably was a somewhat disconcerting way in which to think. Yet in some fashion I am pleased to have it. If I am unable to recognise my faults in such a way how else would I attempt to consider things from an alternative point of view? However despite the abruptness and mild concern I gained through this flash of insight. I am going to attempt to consider it in a positive manner as I none the less was able to come up with something of an answer to the question of who I am. I don't know who I am, but I don't think who I will end up being will be too bad. 

Thus I bid you farewell dear friends. Till we next speak

Au revoir 

Size cont'd

Well it seems like forever and a day since I last put anything up here. For that I apologise I hope that you will be able to forgive me for that. But none the less I have been about I have just been either very busy. Or battling with a new foe in the form of ennui. So what has changed around here? Well I have put in that fancy twitter widget so if you have twitter give me a follow I don't spout much more insanity than I do over here. Hell chances are if you read this you would enjoy seeing slightly less nonsense than I put here. 

However back to my point. You! yes you right there in front of the interwebs screen reading this. Have you ever considered yourself? Now I know that last time I was here I talked about the very big. Yet now I want you to think about your place in that universe. Consider again the relative scale of the universe we all know that it is mindbogglingly huge. Now think about yourself, you are compared to that as an atom is to our perception. Yet that is not a bad thing, despite this limitation you are part of a species that has done such incredible things we have clawed our way off our speck of a planet to breach into the dark void of the universe. Consider just how infinitesimal small we are and yet we still have the gall to permeate into this place of horror. After all when it is 149,600,000KM from the earth to the sun. Which is 8 minutes for the speed of light which is 299 792 458 metre's per second. This combined with the fact that the average human male is 2 metre's tall, it puts some of the size of the Universe into some slight measure of size to the universe. Yet I still can only barely conceive of such a size. Yet this tenous grip I have is more terrifying than anything else I have ever considered. 


But despite that terror it reaffirms my faith in our species, after all we these tiny specks dares to breach this insurmountable size, as we venture forth into the space and more people look back on our beautiful planet will they do as many have in the past and realise, just how small we are and accept the pointlessness of so much we have conflict over. I often wonder why it is that we are the dominant species on this planet when it often seems that the only true application we have used our minds is to improve our ability to kill each other. Then I remember that also we dream and dare to touch the impossible I might be terrified by space and the size it represents. But my god if I was given the opportunity no force on earth could stop me from going out there. 


In this modern society we have developed many personal problems due to our society having outgrown our evolution but sometimes perhaps it would be better if we just took a step back from it all if only for ten minutes just to step outside and look up. Look at those stars try and grasp just how far that light has travelled just to reach us. Then consider that we teeny tiny little humans, essentially tiny specs in the cosmic fabric. We are trying to reach out to that and see what's out there. Mostly for no better reason than because it's there, yet to be honest do we need a better reason? There is such beauty in our one lonely planet, imagine just how much there must be in our  mind-shatteringly vast Universe. 

Size

Here is a question: How big can can you comprehend? I ask this as I find my mind currently focusing on Cosmology in a great deal at the moment. I don't really know why but I am it's odd. This may have been because I am currently listening to this wonderful piece of music a great deal. It raises many questions to me.


Now these are questions which generally have been asked to infinity previously but none the less it's something I really want to explore. - I mean that in both a literal and metaphorical sense.- But none the less I know such a thing is unlikely to occur in my lifetime much to my deepest regret. However none the less it's still there in my mind. I consider that there is much flexibility in me yet I cannot even begin to consider the size of our solar system let alone that of our galaxy. Which in turn makes it impossible to grasp the size of the universe. However intellectually I know the figures:  a galaxy of 300 billion suns. A universe of 300 billion galaxies. This utterly terrifies me. I feel so infinitesimally small when I come even close to grasping the sheer volume of mass which must be in this universe. It is the main factor which sways me in my assertion that their must be other forms of life in the universe.


Consider for example that yes it is unlikely that another life supporting planet exists. However one also must attempt to consider just how vast space is. Now I personally do believe that there is life. Yet I also am quite adamant that as species it is unlikely we will ever meet. Despite my natural propensity to not enjoying being proven wrong in an assertion. I truly would enjoy it this time. Consider friends that within our lifetimes lies the possibilty of humankind once again setting foot on celestial bodies other than the mother planet. Indeed currently there is talk of attempting to begin a terraforming process upon Mars. Which is a prospect which excites me more than I can describe. It makes the world of Science fiction feel infinitesimal closer. Which being as I am a great nerd is the reason I am excited. 


What I am saying though dear readers. Is that if you haven't considered the size of the Universe perhaps you should try. After all science is doing it's best to make it closer and smaller. I can't wait to see what this future holds. To quote a favourite of mine. Live Long and Prosper friends.






P.S. here is another song about the universe

Reflections.

Today was something of a reflective day. Well not today rather this past hour or so. I found myself contemplating certain aspects of the future which I am normally able to keep out of my mind. Those of you who read this blog likely know what these aspects are. If not well then I have likely not been speaking to you while in a morose state of mind. However much I wish to deny it though, those aspects are creeping into my mind more often now than they have in the past. Indeed this process of Black thoughts is progressing with somewhat worrying speed. So much so that I fear for my mental well being. It's somewhat vexing that I am now almost completely absorbed with some ideas which I held not 16 months ago. These thoughts are ones which are generally regarded (by myself) as repulsive, yet they are becoming increasingly attractive.

This frankly terrifies me I am not ashamed to say that I increasingly feel that should seek some form of help for this. However -here we come to the crux of my irritation- I have left all of previous support networks behind seeking an education in a city on the opposite cost of our island home. Thus I now find myself lost in a sea of despair and isolation. In my lighter moods it is a source of almost limitless amusement (who doesn't like to laugh at their own misfortune?) After all while I built that network there was never a need to use it. Now that it is broken I am in honestly quite dire need of ways in which to escape my own feelings.

Thus I am pondering where I should go from here. I am still currently able to resist the urges which I am getting. However if memory serves correctly these things have a tendency to grow exponentially and thus one ends up being unable to resist. No matter how powerful their Will (sorry Hal) Thus as I say comes in the quandary currently I am able to utilise a combination of this here Blog as a receptacle for my catharsis. However I feel that it is likely that this will eventually not be able to contain the torrent of emotions which I feel. That is I doubt despite my quite highly polished vocabulary I will not be able to satisfactorily express that which runs through my mind. I therefore feel it is likely I should look into my university's counselling service. However I fear that it may have a price tag attached which worries me.

However I know realistically that you care not for any of what I am saying. Either you know it all ready or you don't actually know enough to fully understand my vagaries. If either of these cases describes you. I apologise wholeheartedly. I don't mean to bore you (fat chance of that if you read this you will all ready be bored) However if you know enough of what is going on to know what I mean and you haven't heard this particular aspect of my thoughts then please give me your perspective. I am really stretching my somewhat limited intellect to it's limits attempting to sort these emotions of mine out.

I am sorry for the whine fest that this post entailed. It was really being used as a form of Catharsis. I shall endeavour to think of something interesting to comment on some time later in the week for you to peruse over.