Humanity.

Oh humanity how I love you. Yes I know that might sound odd from me dear friends, but it's true. I do indeed secretly harbour a deep and practically unshakable faith in the human condition. This is a faith which often I feel is not present in a lot of modern society. I feel that the current mindset is to be essentially a stoic and disregard human suffering. I can understand this policy indeed it is one which I used to ascribe to.

I will comment however that due to one chance encounter my whole view changed. I was able to witness one small and important act of kindness. This kindness which changed my personal view isn't really important. The main part is that two people whom at the time didn't know me that well basically stopped me from doing something utterly stupid. 

However this faith was reaffirmed this evening, on two fronts. Firstly a relativly new friend, indeed someone whom I have known well since easter. Although we have only really spoke within the past month and a half. None the less, this evening due to various events I found myself entertaining very dark thoughts. Yet despite not truly knowing that about me indeed I am not certain if she knows the depth of my dark thoughts (although i suspect she does.) I was struck that despite these things she cared not for me discussing them in a way in which was less than clear. She none the less allowed me to vent. This kindness to me is one of the most touching ways in which two people can interact. After all there was no logical reason she should take my problems upon herself. 

This is a problem I have wrestled with in the past. Because I will be honest I have something of a hero complex, as in I tend to take upon others problems. Yet it's something I do not understand in other people. However none the less it's not something I regret witnessing. It is one of the deepest and purest examples of human good will I have ever seen. Indeed I am seeing it more and more regularily as I expose myself to the world, it renews my faith that this world can indeed be saved. 

The second occurence this evening was the very same friend posted a link upon Facebook. This link was to this site, a site dedicated to celebrating stories of human deceny and general facets of life which bring joy to peoples hearts. Some of the stories on this site caused me to cry. Now dear friends I am sure you already know this isn't a major feat, heck I am in fact quite the emotional person in general. Yet this brought me to tears twice. Which is a much more difficult thing than just to get me crying. Therefore I cannot recommend this site enough. In particular if you are feeling disenchanted with the world as I was. 

To sum up, I do beleive that we as a species are able to progress past our base urges and save this dying world. Till next time fellow wanderer's

Music reiterated

So I am continuing my trend of writing my interpretation of a blog post a close trend. Today's response is from someone whom I haven't known for a great length of time but has swiftly became one of my closest friends. She recently posted an analysis of her favourite band "the Foo Fighters." This post has made me consider whom my favourite band are, this has been an arduous task as well to be honest I like nigh on everything musically. 

There was hope though, this hope came in the form of four young men from Liverpool. These young men rose to prominence and at one point almost started riots just by appearing. I will never have the fortune to hear these four young men play live. As two of them sadly are passed away. One years and years before his time. To those of you who haven't guessed yet I am talking about The Beatles. Now I will be honest as I said previously I doubt these four are my favourite band of all time. But they are a band whom have had the greatest influence on me. They are also the band I have listened to the longest, No small part due to the actions of my mother and father whom all though living after Beatlemania were still huge Beatles fan's. They passed this love to both me and my brother. 

So now you know why I listen to them in the first place, now to deal with the actual reason I enjoy them. Well primarily because there music is fun. Through out all of their album's I have listened to, (I confess I haven't heard all of them) one can hear one overriding theme and that is a sheer love for music. These guy's even no matter what may have gone on behind the scenes (hey I don't know they may have argued.) Always put there all into creating something which was a full creation of art. Now you may recall my opinion upon music as an art form and thus a path to god. (If not well just look two posts down) Therefore when ever I listen to them I might not always get that super deep feeling of connectedness, but goddamn I can appreciate they put a lot into making it. 

But there are other reasons why I love their work. They often attempted to make music which had a meaning. Often a positive message about our society, now you may or may not know me and society have an odd relationship. As I can't always tell whether I approve of our society, I think overall it's not perfect but it's probably better than full chaos would be. However I am not going to get into a debate upon society here. I will say that I beleive they have produced my favourite actual song. (Orchestrations or instrumental pieces not included.) 

This song is "Yesterday" this is a song which although is a quite melancholic song is one which resonates with me in a large fashion. Primarily because I am quite a melancholic person, in particular one who used to often regret the sudden onset of a lot of major problems. Now that isn't a world view I subscibe to any longer, after all I am opptimistic (generally.) Indeed I tend to believe that there isn't that much point in worrying about too many things anymore. After all what's the point? In my view there is nothing which can't be solved and if the solution isn't immediatly apparnent then, just try and take a step back because it will be there.

Friends

After reading a post by one of my closest friends (who can be found here). I got to thinking about some factors in my life. In particular those of recent life changes which have been enacted on me. It's something I possibly don't think about enough really, but when I do I am constantly amazed. I realise I am being quite unclear here, I am talking about my friends and the effect they have had on me. To those who don't know me I will comment that this time last year I was incredibly different from the person who writes this blog. The main difference I would say is that I had far more anger. Well if I am honest that was one of the cornerstones of my emotional makeup. The only other part of me was a hollow feeling. 

However I am not talking about my past here, perhaps another time (doubtful). I am discussing the fact that in the past seven months i.e. since November 2008. I have changed ... well utterly, I realise this change was brought about primarily through the effects of the people whom I have met in these months. I will never be able to express how grateful I am to these wonderful people. However in an attempt to make my gratitude more clear. I am able to say with the utmost honesty: I would not be alive this day without certain people. Thus I dedicate this post to those whom have filled my life with Joy and light. I thank you all from the deepest part of my soul.

In particular much similar to the Mouse (once again found right here) I find myself thanking the oddities of fate. For example I discovered my best friend through one essentially tiny choice. "Should I take Drama enrichment?" This decision was positive for me, because in the first session we were introducing ourselves and up chirped a guy who was sorta sitting out the way "Hi I am Adam Temporal. As in Temporal physics." Pretty much from then on I started talking to him, this also proved to be a damn fine choice, as it turned out that we are practically the same person. He in particular is a person I am thankful for the oddities of fate for throwing in my path. 

His friendship indeed led me to meeting many new people, well I don't need to tell you that. You are all pretty much these new people anyway. However there is two people whom I met in a different way who have also had a profound impact on my life. The first I technically met in primary school (although neither of us remember the other) Yet we truly met sometime in December at a pub called the laurel. We were there to see a mutual friend's gig and well we got on okay but I didn't talk much as I was somewhat still under the influence of depression. However a few months later I was upon Facebook and it suggested me to add the person in question as a friend. I did so and through much discussion both online and real life she has became one of my best friends also.

The second non college person to influence my life was met through the one mentioned above. We were just talking online and she commented she was going to give my email address to a friend. Being a generally apathetic creature I consented, this young lady started off the discussion with a debate about literature. This was well frankly a refreshing experience as at the time not many people talked about books and what not to me. Now this person I haven't met all that many times in real life but still her nigh on constant positive outlook has rubbed off on me. 

Finally there is one other major influence upon my recent life. A person whom I have never met, nor will I ever converse with this person. The main reason for this is because he died 90 years before I was born. This man is Friedrich Nietzsche, a man whose writings shaped a lot of my personal beliefs. Which is ironic because I am a nihilist which was the exact thing his work is an attack on. However this is because I agree with certain aspects but not all of them. Yet this was a work which shaped my ideas and indeed certain aspects give me hope for a better tomorrow. 

After all that the point I am trying to make is that the biggest changes can occur through the smallest things. The chaos theorists really got it right when they used the analogy "A butterflies wings when beating can cause a tornado on the other side of the world." Well people tend to have that effect on me. One small effect by certain people can send me into the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Yet in all fairness I wouldn't change any of that for the world. Once again I would like to thank everyone. You have all made my life worth living again, I can never repay you for this, but goddamn I am going to try. 

Music

Now I will be the first to admit that music doesn't influence me anywhere near as much as it does some people, however there is a particular trait which I find to make me sit up and think "Wow." I am talking primarily about instrumental music, not that i have anything against songs with lyrics and so on. It's just that instrumental pieces I feel can evoke much greater feelings. (Now this is naturally just personal opinion. Please feel free to comment and tell me your own thoughts.) These greater feelings I speak of in my opinion are ways in which certain higher powers can be realised. This is related to my personal belief that God is a force in the universe albeit one which doesn't care for us or our existence. 

Now one may be considering "what has any of this got to do with music?" As Fangorn would say, "Don't be hasty." Well to return to the point, music is an expression of beauty this is in my most humble of opinions the way one can perceive the fundamental order of the universe. Consider for a moment the most beautiful piece of music you have ever heard. Just listen to it, don't just hear it, listen with all of your being. I don't know about you but when i do that I feel, content. Now I don't claim to know anything about God. After all my interpretation of God is just about conceivable. Therefore I wouldn't want to claim anything certain about it, but in this world of chaos and uncertainty. A world where in theory a cat is within a box and is alive and dead at the same time while also being neither. To feel content in such a way as I do when listening to certain music, it must be some sort of divine path. 

I personally feel that God is to be found within aesthetics, therefore anything beautiful is a way in which to peer into the realm of God. Perhaps it would be best to say, that as long as it evokes a feeling of calm and belonging (in particular in this dehumanised world) then it can be seen as akin to being more than we are and afterall just as  Feuerbach said "God is man writ large." Thus can it not be said that something which unites us as music can do, not be considered god? 

On people.

So I found myself lost as to what I wanted to write about this today, and I got to thinking about what has been on my mind for the past few days. I came up with well to be honest not that much. However much later in the day, i.e. within the past ten minutes after leaving the gym I remembered something which irritated me incredibly yesterday. The matter in question came about while I was in conversation with a close friend over MSN last evening, this matter is sex. Now don't get me wrong I have nothing against the act of sex heck it's sorta necessary for the survival of the human race. However what I do have a problem with is people who think of that and only that. Now being as I am a single teenage male I am generally thought to be one of those people but I am not. Heck I am in fact celibate, Now as you dear readers may know I am a moral nihilist so it's not anything to do with morality, It's just sex should only ever be for love. This might make me sound like abit of a stuffy person, but consider sex is the ultimate expression of intimacy. It's an ultimate expression of sharing oneself, to return to a metaphor i have expressed in the past (that of the idea we all wear masks) it is to take of another indeed quite a personal one. 

Thus to return to my original point those people who seem to think about nothing but sex. I have this to say "You disgust me" This might seem extreme but it's true I have utterly no respect for anyone who debases such an act. Yet there are some people who I don't have such disgust for. Certain unfortunate people who are forced to sell their bodies. Remember though i say FORCED to sell their bodies. I have the utmost sympathy for those who have ultimately no other option to survive than to do this awful thing. This is because in the end no matter what else might happen survival is the most important thing one can do. Life is after all the most important gift anyone will ever bestow on you. That's something to consider dear friends you were gifted with life by your parents thus I would hope you never let it be squandered. Let nothing try to pull you down into a mire where you feel the only way out is to reject the gift of life. For that is the worst place one can ever reach. 

I realise I seem quite preachy here and if so I apologise but this blog is really just an extension of my mind, thus if I seem preachy I suppose I must be preachy. Ah c'est la vie. 

Of Parting.

So today was the last "official" day of college. I am not entirely certain about what that means to me. On one hand I feel ready to leave and embark on some new adventures. In particular I feel that I would like to move away from the family, now don't get me wrong dear companions I love my family. Indeed in a very literal sense I wouldn't be here writing this without there intercession upon my life roughly this time last year. This raises another point of wonder for me, has this college experience been enjoyable? Well that depends on which year we were discussing. I say this because I feel that I am two different people within college. My AS year I was most definitly not the person whom I am today. Now this is in no small part due to residual issues of my life. It also factors into that I am not a naturally social creature, I also entered college with a smallish (yet establised) friendship circle therefore I didn't really expand. This was the reason for my downfall. This is because the others who joined me did not share this mentality. I therefore ended up being left alone when due to various circumstances I lost the original friends. This occured shortly into my A2 year. Now one would likely think this would mean the AS is considered pleasent and the A2 considered not so. This is not the case this is due to one small factor. I did not actually enjoy the company of my established friendship group.

Thus in October I was forced to act in a way which I pretty much never have before. I was forced to be social. This strangly revealed some things to me. I discovered I actually can do this. I will be honest I didn't expect that I would be able to. Through various circumstances I found myself within the P.E. area of college this was an odd scenario as here was an established social order. Yet here I am seven months later and today I spent the early evening with two of my closest friends. Now this is a feeling which I don't often express but I beleive I am happy with my lot. 

I think that it's needed to be said that even if this journey is ending at least the people i met will continue to join me along the road. I may not be with you in the flesh yet our spirits will be joined through the way in which our interactions have shaped each others experience of life. We may be destined for different parts of the world yet ultimately we are striving for the same destination.

Happiness may we find it together.

Of disappearing and reemerging

I am plagued by peculiar thoughts this evening my fellows. I feel lost among a sea of decay and despair. Now I am not naive this is likely highly to do with the fact I have clinical depression. However today it seems odd. I feel that there is currently much ado about nothing. (No that's not a nihilism reference) This may be a trait unique to myself but I find myself oddly detached from concerns I "Should" be facing. In particular those of my upcoming exams. Now don't mistake me dear readers i am revising and so on. It's just many around me are incredibly worried about them. Yet personally i feel ... well nothing. Again those few who are closet to me will know this isn't an odd thing. Indeed it's my general mood to be numb inside. However this feels different, I am currently beleaguered by the desire to disappear. This is not a desire i have ever felt before, granted I have wished to no longer exist (worry not friends I very very rarely feel this way anymore) yet never to merely fade away. Primarily I feel that i would like to just escape my current life details for a short period and not have to deal with the constant bullshit which appears to be the main focus of my current existence. I am finding this hard to conceptualise purely as it's such a new feeling, so my deepest apologies if the level of lucidity common around these parts is lessened today.  However returning to the point, I feel that I am growing further disconnected to the people closest to me, this isn't a good feeling because it reminds me a great deal of my past. Which although I am thankful it shaped me into the being I am today (someone whom many claim is a pleasant individual [I'm still uncertain though]) It's not something that i wish to repeat. Now my readers I must make a request of you. It is not an arduous task but one which I feel you are best suited at. Please every so often remind me that the mundane world is around and that my head needs to be somewhat grounded in it. Now I know that it is up for debate whether or not the world as we know it exists. However on this i feel i must be reminded to sometimes stop with the Socratic/Cartesian methodology and attempt to allow myself to reemerge into society.