On people.

So I found myself lost as to what I wanted to write about this today, and I got to thinking about what has been on my mind for the past few days. I came up with well to be honest not that much. However much later in the day, i.e. within the past ten minutes after leaving the gym I remembered something which irritated me incredibly yesterday. The matter in question came about while I was in conversation with a close friend over MSN last evening, this matter is sex. Now don't get me wrong I have nothing against the act of sex heck it's sorta necessary for the survival of the human race. However what I do have a problem with is people who think of that and only that. Now being as I am a single teenage male I am generally thought to be one of those people but I am not. Heck I am in fact celibate, Now as you dear readers may know I am a moral nihilist so it's not anything to do with morality, It's just sex should only ever be for love. This might make me sound like abit of a stuffy person, but consider sex is the ultimate expression of intimacy. It's an ultimate expression of sharing oneself, to return to a metaphor i have expressed in the past (that of the idea we all wear masks) it is to take of another indeed quite a personal one. 

Thus to return to my original point those people who seem to think about nothing but sex. I have this to say "You disgust me" This might seem extreme but it's true I have utterly no respect for anyone who debases such an act. Yet there are some people who I don't have such disgust for. Certain unfortunate people who are forced to sell their bodies. Remember though i say FORCED to sell their bodies. I have the utmost sympathy for those who have ultimately no other option to survive than to do this awful thing. This is because in the end no matter what else might happen survival is the most important thing one can do. Life is after all the most important gift anyone will ever bestow on you. That's something to consider dear friends you were gifted with life by your parents thus I would hope you never let it be squandered. Let nothing try to pull you down into a mire where you feel the only way out is to reject the gift of life. For that is the worst place one can ever reach. 

I realise I seem quite preachy here and if so I apologise but this blog is really just an extension of my mind, thus if I seem preachy I suppose I must be preachy. Ah c'est la vie. 

Of Parting.

So today was the last "official" day of college. I am not entirely certain about what that means to me. On one hand I feel ready to leave and embark on some new adventures. In particular I feel that I would like to move away from the family, now don't get me wrong dear companions I love my family. Indeed in a very literal sense I wouldn't be here writing this without there intercession upon my life roughly this time last year. This raises another point of wonder for me, has this college experience been enjoyable? Well that depends on which year we were discussing. I say this because I feel that I am two different people within college. My AS year I was most definitly not the person whom I am today. Now this is in no small part due to residual issues of my life. It also factors into that I am not a naturally social creature, I also entered college with a smallish (yet establised) friendship circle therefore I didn't really expand. This was the reason for my downfall. This is because the others who joined me did not share this mentality. I therefore ended up being left alone when due to various circumstances I lost the original friends. This occured shortly into my A2 year. Now one would likely think this would mean the AS is considered pleasent and the A2 considered not so. This is not the case this is due to one small factor. I did not actually enjoy the company of my established friendship group.

Thus in October I was forced to act in a way which I pretty much never have before. I was forced to be social. This strangly revealed some things to me. I discovered I actually can do this. I will be honest I didn't expect that I would be able to. Through various circumstances I found myself within the P.E. area of college this was an odd scenario as here was an established social order. Yet here I am seven months later and today I spent the early evening with two of my closest friends. Now this is a feeling which I don't often express but I beleive I am happy with my lot. 

I think that it's needed to be said that even if this journey is ending at least the people i met will continue to join me along the road. I may not be with you in the flesh yet our spirits will be joined through the way in which our interactions have shaped each others experience of life. We may be destined for different parts of the world yet ultimately we are striving for the same destination.

Happiness may we find it together.

Of disappearing and reemerging

I am plagued by peculiar thoughts this evening my fellows. I feel lost among a sea of decay and despair. Now I am not naive this is likely highly to do with the fact I have clinical depression. However today it seems odd. I feel that there is currently much ado about nothing. (No that's not a nihilism reference) This may be a trait unique to myself but I find myself oddly detached from concerns I "Should" be facing. In particular those of my upcoming exams. Now don't mistake me dear readers i am revising and so on. It's just many around me are incredibly worried about them. Yet personally i feel ... well nothing. Again those few who are closet to me will know this isn't an odd thing. Indeed it's my general mood to be numb inside. However this feels different, I am currently beleaguered by the desire to disappear. This is not a desire i have ever felt before, granted I have wished to no longer exist (worry not friends I very very rarely feel this way anymore) yet never to merely fade away. Primarily I feel that i would like to just escape my current life details for a short period and not have to deal with the constant bullshit which appears to be the main focus of my current existence. I am finding this hard to conceptualise purely as it's such a new feeling, so my deepest apologies if the level of lucidity common around these parts is lessened today.  However returning to the point, I feel that I am growing further disconnected to the people closest to me, this isn't a good feeling because it reminds me a great deal of my past. Which although I am thankful it shaped me into the being I am today (someone whom many claim is a pleasant individual [I'm still uncertain though]) It's not something that i wish to repeat. Now my readers I must make a request of you. It is not an arduous task but one which I feel you are best suited at. Please every so often remind me that the mundane world is around and that my head needs to be somewhat grounded in it. Now I know that it is up for debate whether or not the world as we know it exists. However on this i feel i must be reminded to sometimes stop with the Socratic/Cartesian methodology and attempt to allow myself to reemerge into society.

Contemplation

I find myself wondering about alot of things alot of the time. First among these is the nature of ones self. It has come to my attention lately through the report of several close friends that i may be too serious. Now this is highly likely it leads me to wonder: how can these people feel I am too serious they don't know the real me. Indeed i don't think anyone does I am always wearing an emotional mask of some form. Yet in all fairness can any one person ever truly claim to be utterly honest about all things to everyone at all points in time? I doubt it I will be the first to comment i distrust the work of Freud yet the concept of balancing oneself to fit in with social boundaries. Most of the time on a personal note i feel that these masks are in essence myself yet not the entirety of my soul. I will admit this is a recent development as to be honest until roughly eight months ago i was barely certain of who i was. Oddly although those who knew me at that point in my life might argue that the cause of this confusion was a terrible thing. I feel no resentment for that part of my life. Indeed i still maintain that parts of it were the happiest i have ever felt. This period is another reason in which i am often confused because allthough the months leading up till october were probably the worst in my short existence on earth. I don't know whether i would want to go back to that time. Heck those thoughts alone fill me with terror. This is because logically one would not assume it was a healthy way in which to feel i.e. going back to the mindset i was in. (If you are curious as to that mindset. Please ask in a private method of communication.) Returning to my original point though would be that despite my current reemergence of my depression. I am pleased with various aspects of my life. Mostly though my recent realisation that i can be social. Although as stated above i am abit of a dull social person. This is related to the masks we wear (see i can retain purpose :-P) as i feel that within social situations we go through an odd scenario of putting up every mask we own and then slowly removing them. Wouldn't life be easier then if we actually were able to do away with these masks? Are the existentialists correct? Should we just abandon social conformity and act as we wish? These are questions which plague me. I hope by sharing these concerns i am acting in a way in which to remove some of my own masks. Adieu.

A musing

I noticed something today as i was walking home. It's something i often notice. The aesthetics of the natural world. Now i know some may think i mean things like amazing point's of view i.e. Everest etc But i don't. If you just spend one moment looking Truly looking at a natural occurence I would posit that you will see beauty. This may not be the case for others but it's certainly true for me. On the note of things i feel cause wonderment, the Stars. Have you ever just lay down on a clear night and gazed into heavens? This sight always fills me with amazement, to gaze into almost one percent of the universe and still be dwarfed by it's size. This might be an odd reaction but I am filled with gladness. Those who know me will likely know i have several metaphorical demons i wrestle with almost constantly. However when i am able to perceive the enormity of creation and consider how utterly insignificant life on our fair and wonderous planet is all i can think is "Fuck it why am i so concerned?" Again this view appears pessimistic however it gives me an existential hope as if earth is so small and so insignificant then i should just live to make myself happy and screw other shit. Well i seem to have rambled on for a pretty long time so i shall bid you fair readers adieu and good night.

An intro

Hello there interwebs. This is "Optimism in the face of Overriding Nihilism". A blog which will hopefully detail some of my thoughts on various matter's which occur within my life. Firstly the name well as those who know me will know i am a Nihilist. This in it's most basic form mean's that i beleive that there is no inherent Morality or Purpose to existence. Now i am sure you are thinking "My god this guys a depressing Loon." That may be so however i also happen to be an opptimist. Which is a far more common term in to describe someone whom happens to beleive that there can be an upside to all occurences. This viewpoint is peculiar and it's often difficult to balence so i shall hopefully have some thoughts to point out on regular occasions. Now to the second star on the right and straight on till morning!