Post Camp musings

So dear friends. I am returned to mine homeland. I have indeed been here almost a week. This time has been spent doing very little. Then again I feel I am deserved of a break since I have just had one of the most eventful summer's of my life. I as you know have been at a summer camp for children and adults for developmental disabilities. Now this was a wondrous experience as I have discussed previously I feel like a better person due to the events of this camp. It sounds incredibly cliche yet I wholeheartedly feel that this was the single greatest point of my life.

Some of the people whom I have met have re instilled me with faith in our species as one which perhaps has the possibility of escaping it's violent roots and becoming more than the sum of it's parts. By this I mean that I generally feel that our species should have been cleansed off this planet long ago if only to prevent the horror we have wrought in our history. It is a terrifying thought that in all of human history the only field of study which has been consistently developed has been that of warfare.

However these thoughts were extinguished when I went to here and saw two hundred or so people whom had never met each other before become a fully functioning group who cared for those people whom a race which I described earlier would have cast away. Those who due to no fault of their own cannot function on their own. This sight I will be honest shocked me, I believe it is what roused me from my apathy and facilitated my growth as a human being.

This growth has in fact evolved since last we spoke my friends, it has progressed to another aspect of my lost humanity returning to me. That is to say the humanity I feel I lost due to the unpleasantness of last October. I was able not only to connect on an emotional level with someone over an incredibly short period of time. Which is a feat you all well know is generally beyond me. This emotional connection was odd it arose from almost no where. The amazing part was unlike a lot of the time these feelings were reciprocated. This was naturally a huge surprise as I am not generally the type of person whom people develop those types of feelings for. None the less I believe she has helped me become more human again as was able to feel happy for the first time in a long while. Or rather the first time that summer.

Now this may be because the lady in question is like looking in a mirror well apart from that this mirror makes one beautiful and the opposite gender. Yet the point remains she made me feel happy and content. Just by her very presence did I feel at peace with myself. The normal constant internal turmoil I feel was abated. I confess this effect somewhat scared me. After all there is one other who had that effect on me and she utterly destroyed me. However I quieted my fear as I believed that if I was going to let my fear of being hurt again let me be hurt then what use is it? This led to something of a whirlwind romance, one which although not necessarily intimate on a physical level it was so incredibly profound on an emotional level that within the space of two weeks or so. I am certain I have fallen in love with this lady.

Therein lay the problem as she is an American and I as you all well know am British. Thus although it is true she makes me happier than I have been in a long time there is no real way in which for us to be together. Hence some of you may have heard of this allready but I am currently switching between quite happy and quite upset. Indeed I apologise for burdening you all with this hell I apologise for this post being a bit of a "oo look at me I made loads of friends and miss them boohoo look at me" kinda thing at the moment. I promise it will be back to business as soon as possible. I.E. pretentious twaddle.

This is something of a way so as to rationalise a lot of thoughts which are currently running through my mind, however there is a point to it. All of these positives which I have listed are just cement for me to return to Loyaltown next summer. I don't know how I am going to get to that point from where I am now but damn it I know for certain that you will be along for the ride.

As always my friends lets face that big wide world with an open mind and as always put forward optimism despite what our logic might tell us. After all when the Ultimate answer to Life the Universe and Everything is 42 what place does logic have?

An update.

I have news friends and compatriots. I am returning to whence I came upon the 1st of the ninth month of this fine year of 2009 A.D. Perhaps I should clarify, I am returning to the United Kingdom on the evening of the first of September to arrive back north on the evening of the 2nd. This is roughly five weeks from now. Indeed the length of time which I have already spent in the U.S. this coming Saturday.

I am finding camp to be an odd experience. Don't get me wrong I love every moment of it but it's just somewhat odd. After all it pushes me into being a moral person. Those of you who frequent this place will know I am at best morally neutral. At worst ... well morally neutral. This is as you all well know I don't really believe in morals. However here I find myself being what most would likely consider a shining beacon of morality. This confuses me, it's not a person I dislike being. Just a person whom I am not used to inhabiting my skin. Hmm I suppose it does lead to a lessening of the hate which I feel for myself thus I should probably not complain. Yet as of this moment I am occasionally confused when I stop and perceive myself and whom I am becoming.

This change I feel is the culmination of that which began with the events of last October. Yet this is not the time or place to discuss those things. I shall comment though that it has changed me for the better. I am able to measure all things against the person who was revealed that day and find myself pleased with the results.

I hope against hope that these last five weeks continue this trend of lessening of self loathing and indeed that of camp being one of the best experiences of my life.

Thus on that note I shall depart dear friends and compatriots. Au revoir and so long I miss you all and send my best regards and love.

Right well here is the long awaited (I hope) vlog. I shall attempt to do more of these in the future. However this does massivly depend upon my laptop playing nice. As of yet I am optimistic, thus fingers crossed and so and so forth.

A slight change in schedule.

Well here we are the long fated day of departure, I write this from a train journeying to london where I shall begin my journey to the United States. However one might argue that this journey has been ongoing since november. After all that is when I began the application process.

This journey for me anyway really began in earnest only two days ago, after all this was when my exams were finished. Naturally they occupied a great deal of my thought process for the past few weeks. So much so that I don't entirely feel mentally prepared for this sojurn. None the less it is no time for worrying. I just hope that I don't disappoint all the wonderful people whom have believed in me throughout this process.

In light of this temporary relocation to the U.S. I shall not be engaging in written posts for a short while. Rather you shall be able to witness my presence through a visual medium. In saying this I mean naturally that I am going to be recording Vlogs throughout my journey. I am not certain how many nor indeed if they shall be in a regular pattern. Therefore I would ask that you just check every so often. I do know that I will not be engaging in more than one a week. Thus you need not check more regularly than that. This means I shall likely not be around on internet chat features hugely regularly, none the less dear friends I am going to endeavour to be there occasionally.

If you would like to know anything in particular about my journey then please feel free to either email me or comment here. I shall happily enter into discource over it.

As a final note thank you my friends for being there and thus actually making me miss the homestead. You all do help to ground me somewhat more in the physical world. Something which I am sure you will all agree is something which I need to have done every so often. I shall therefore see you in person in September.

Au revoir.

Beliefs

My it's been awhile since I wrote here. Well six days which is quite awhile, or at least i think it is. None the less I am around now, so i have been thinking. I started this blog in order to discuss various aspects of my beliefs, thus I feel i should clarify my beliefs somewhat. 

So to kick us off religion. Me and religion have kind of an odd relationship, I tend to disagree with a lot of organised religion. It's not a philosophical disagreement it's just that I disagree with telling people how to think. I mean in my most humble of opinions surely to promote free thinking autonomous beings. Maybe this is just a thought of mine but it seems logical to promote people to decide how they feel for themselves. Now don't get me wrong I am not close minded enough to believe that modern society would have naturally evolved without some sort of unifying explanation. This being throughout most of history religion. (Or at least to my knowledge any historians please feel free to correct me) Thus I may disagree with certain aspects I can appreciate that it has been needed. Indeed I realise that it's something which gives hope to a great many people in this world. I would hope thought that current religion is the way which it remains as currently there is no major religion which preaches any form of forced conversion. Which as I say is my main point of contention. I have no problems with people having faith nor with them worshiping in any way they choose. 

Yet as much as I am criticising religion I don't disagree with the concept of a god. As I have previously stated I do believe in a god. If not the classical theistic god, however I would comment that I personally feel that any higher being would have no true interest in our lives. Yet I would argue that given the astronomical chances of each person existing is to me an indication of some form of divine plan. To borrow the words of a much greater writer than myself Alan Moore "In each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring THIS precise son; THAT exact daughter ... to distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability like turning air to gold... THAT is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermodynamic miracle" This is a statement which when I first read I didn't grasp because much like most people this concept is forgotten. Here is some advice to you my friends and compatriots just consider this for one moment. Consider the sheer magnitude of the unlikeliness of your own existence. Not too much you might get a headache it can be somewhat disconcerting the first time. But my point is with such events plus when one considers that the chances of a planet being produced which will support life in the way that earth does, is something like one to one times ten to the power sixty. Or in an alternative way: 

1 - 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Kinda scary when it's put that way isn't it? Thus when one considers these factors, it become only logical to assume that some form of cosmic intelligence exists. 

However this intelligence if it does exist also could not be the classical theistic image. Or at least not in my thinking. After all when one considers that there is one hundred billion galaxies (roughly) each with one hundred billion stars. Now naturally not all of these will have planets which can support life. Yet when those kind of numbers exist (more than I personally can conceive of) It once again seems logical to assume that some of them do. None the less the potential number of planets is far too high for me to begin to attempt to guess. But if these planets all have similar populations as does glorious earth. Then the sheer number of people is in itself inconceivable. You then consider that the monotheistic god is personable and the polytheistic gods tend to be involved directly so as to control a particular aspect of existence. The number of people for a monotheistic god to directly relate to is so high logically it does not seem plausible. 

These are basically a few insights into my personal belief system. If there is anything else you would like to know about please contact me in some fashion I will be happy to oblige. Yet I feel that currently this is enough for the moment. So long friends.

Some thoughts

It occurred to me today, I depart within two weeks. Indeed this time in a fortnight I shall be in an airplane, as you all most likely know I am heading to the United States of America this summer in order to be a lifeguard in a summer camp. However some of you might not know that although I am incredibly happy and fortunate to be able to go. I still feel some regret, after all as I have commented in the past you all have only entered my life recently, I therefore am somewhat disheartened to have to so abruptly leave your company pretty much forever. 

Therefore I shall go so far as to say my emotions are bittersweet. (my gosh I didn't think I would ever use that term) None the less once again I shall say, despite it now being painful to leave, I wouldn't trade that pain for the loss of you all. You all are the fuel for my optimism which i stuff into the face of that overriding nihilism. (Oh wow look we have a title) Thus you may not consider me while you follow the path of your life this summer. Please know I am going to be thinking of you. 

I actually have been thinking about nihilism recently. I have realised me and nihilism have an odd relationship, somewhat of a paradox some would say. As nihilism excites me in ways which I don't feel in any other means. That is nihilism is one of the few things I am truly passionate about. However when I take it to it's logical conclusions, it just makes me feel incredibly low. Which i suppose makes sense heck nihilism is a worrying concept, especially some of the ways in which one might act in a morally nihilistic world. In essecence it's why I relie so heavily on you all. You who disagree with me when I become obsessed with the concept of an oblibvion as an after life. You who remind me that there is some light left in the world. 

So dear friends my thanks. 

Please don't stop being the optimism to my nihlism.

Humanity.

Oh humanity how I love you. Yes I know that might sound odd from me dear friends, but it's true. I do indeed secretly harbour a deep and practically unshakable faith in the human condition. This is a faith which often I feel is not present in a lot of modern society. I feel that the current mindset is to be essentially a stoic and disregard human suffering. I can understand this policy indeed it is one which I used to ascribe to.

I will comment however that due to one chance encounter my whole view changed. I was able to witness one small and important act of kindness. This kindness which changed my personal view isn't really important. The main part is that two people whom at the time didn't know me that well basically stopped me from doing something utterly stupid. 

However this faith was reaffirmed this evening, on two fronts. Firstly a relativly new friend, indeed someone whom I have known well since easter. Although we have only really spoke within the past month and a half. None the less, this evening due to various events I found myself entertaining very dark thoughts. Yet despite not truly knowing that about me indeed I am not certain if she knows the depth of my dark thoughts (although i suspect she does.) I was struck that despite these things she cared not for me discussing them in a way in which was less than clear. She none the less allowed me to vent. This kindness to me is one of the most touching ways in which two people can interact. After all there was no logical reason she should take my problems upon herself. 

This is a problem I have wrestled with in the past. Because I will be honest I have something of a hero complex, as in I tend to take upon others problems. Yet it's something I do not understand in other people. However none the less it's not something I regret witnessing. It is one of the deepest and purest examples of human good will I have ever seen. Indeed I am seeing it more and more regularily as I expose myself to the world, it renews my faith that this world can indeed be saved. 

The second occurence this evening was the very same friend posted a link upon Facebook. This link was to this site, a site dedicated to celebrating stories of human deceny and general facets of life which bring joy to peoples hearts. Some of the stories on this site caused me to cry. Now dear friends I am sure you already know this isn't a major feat, heck I am in fact quite the emotional person in general. Yet this brought me to tears twice. Which is a much more difficult thing than just to get me crying. Therefore I cannot recommend this site enough. In particular if you are feeling disenchanted with the world as I was. 

To sum up, I do beleive that we as a species are able to progress past our base urges and save this dying world. Till next time fellow wanderer's