General meanderings.

Before we begin I am going to warn you this is not going to be on a particular focus just on some random thoughts as I feel in the mood to write.


This past week I have been thinking a great deal. Not really deeply about anything just have been contemplating things somewhat. Mostly on the nature of what makes people who they are. Now that is no real surprise to me since that's what we are discussing within one of my modules at University at the moment. However none the less it is a point which I have been focusing on. I can come too no real conclusions but the best attempt I have would be that which Sartre proposes that is that one can know that others exist through the contemplation of self image. That is to say that one must consider the way in which those others may perceive them. In particular if one were to act in a way which is not traditional -read as acting in a way which is less than moral- This would suggest that if one were to be witnessed the view of these people would be less than stellar. Indeed it's possible they would look unfavourably. It seems to suggest that other's bar oneself must exist if such thought could be given. After all generally the majority of people find it difficult to conceptualise themselves in a negative light. Thus is it to be that it does appear that other's exist.


Another thought that has been plaguing my mind recently is that of the way in which one is named, and the power naming can have. Again something which has recently came up in one of my lectures. (hey it's like I am taking this degree thing seriously or something ain't it?) Although this is a point  I have wished to address for awhile as I consider the fact that I personally could no doubt have several labels attached to most aspects of my behaviour at the same time. Indeed these label's would likely be considered to be mutually exclusive. Example: Recently I loudly exclaimed "I am the tray emperor!" in the middle of a canteen at University, now within my circle of friends that was considered to be par for course. Yet the general populous likely considered it to be less so. This is not a fantastic example yet currently a better one eludes me. However it serves to illustrate my purpose as in such a situation I was simultaneously likely considered as deviating from social norms and yet also fitting them. This dualistic nature amuses and confuses me. It somewhat demonstrates that context can so highly colour the nature of one's own personal reality.


Indeed that leads me to my third and final (tumultuous cheering at the ending of this nonsense) that is the nature of personal reality. -clarification: I ascribe to the belief that each person inhabits a personal reality which encroaches on that of all other's.- Thus it is also linked to my first musing, how is it that each person has a separate reality and yet each is able to make a huge impact on that of other's. That is to say that often one can have an incredibly profound effect on another's life purely by getting to know them and being within it. This has occurred to me on several occasion's.

My apologies about the rambling nature of these thoughts I have attempted to tie them together but alas it seems to have eluded my abilities. I hope that they provoke some thoughts in you. If they do why not comment and let me know I read all of them after all (yes all those so many comments I have ever had) 

Take care dear friends, and keep thinking.

Some thoughts

Good evening dear friends. Here is a surprise I haven't written much here in awhile. Now this isn't meant as a slight against you indeed I would probably argue tooth and nail that it's doing you a service that I am not writing nonsense for you all to read. However in saying this I am not saying I haven't been busy, I have had exams recently hence my general lack of mental space to muck about with other things rather I have been focused on the philosophies I have had to learn for that little thing called a degree. However I am back with something of a renewed sense of purpose. I vow to bring far more inane pondering's to your attention.


Indeed I have been pondering something's recently, it came to me while leaving to eat dinner earlier in this week. Most would describe what I experienced as something of an existentialist crises, that is to say that I was plagued by the inescapable feeling of wonder about who I am and what I am becoming. Now I have questioned who I am in the past yet this time the feeling was more raw, more primal. I found myself questioning the very nature of the person I am. Through this I progressed into thoughts of what shaped me into acting the way I do. Which brought me to a strange conclusion, I cannot think of the time when I changed from the border line spoilt brat I was when younger to the person I am now. 


Naturally I don't consider myself to be a particularly "good" person, but I think I am at least more considerate to other's needs and wants but the major issue I found myself facing was Why? Why am I this way? Of this I was unable to create any firm positions from which to stand. I concluded that the only reason I am opposed to injustices against minorities is that were I in said position I wouldn't want such treatment. This makes me wonder: My words and actions are generally regarded as being moralistic. But am I? Thus the question becomes is it intent that denotes the worth of a person or is it purely their actions? Therefore I was forced to ask myself: am I in fact still that selfish coward of yesteryear only expressing such cowardice in another form? I would like to think not but then again I am never sure, as I say the point remains on definition of what it is to be good. However despite this somewhat unnerving train of thought was interrupted my another. I began to consider my effect on others. Herein led me to an alternative reason of my motivations. Perhaps I don't act in such a way because I don't want to have it happen to me. But instead because I know and care about people who have suffered in life through one way or another. Which leads me to believe that rebel against people treating each other poorly because I have seen pain being wrought on those I care about and I wouldn't want anyone else to suffer so. 


This quite demonstrably was a somewhat disconcerting way in which to think. Yet in some fashion I am pleased to have it. If I am unable to recognise my faults in such a way how else would I attempt to consider things from an alternative point of view? However despite the abruptness and mild concern I gained through this flash of insight. I am going to attempt to consider it in a positive manner as I none the less was able to come up with something of an answer to the question of who I am. I don't know who I am, but I don't think who I will end up being will be too bad. 

Thus I bid you farewell dear friends. Till we next speak

Au revoir 

Size cont'd

Well it seems like forever and a day since I last put anything up here. For that I apologise I hope that you will be able to forgive me for that. But none the less I have been about I have just been either very busy. Or battling with a new foe in the form of ennui. So what has changed around here? Well I have put in that fancy twitter widget so if you have twitter give me a follow I don't spout much more insanity than I do over here. Hell chances are if you read this you would enjoy seeing slightly less nonsense than I put here. 

However back to my point. You! yes you right there in front of the interwebs screen reading this. Have you ever considered yourself? Now I know that last time I was here I talked about the very big. Yet now I want you to think about your place in that universe. Consider again the relative scale of the universe we all know that it is mindbogglingly huge. Now think about yourself, you are compared to that as an atom is to our perception. Yet that is not a bad thing, despite this limitation you are part of a species that has done such incredible things we have clawed our way off our speck of a planet to breach into the dark void of the universe. Consider just how infinitesimal small we are and yet we still have the gall to permeate into this place of horror. After all when it is 149,600,000KM from the earth to the sun. Which is 8 minutes for the speed of light which is 299 792 458 metre's per second. This combined with the fact that the average human male is 2 metre's tall, it puts some of the size of the Universe into some slight measure of size to the universe. Yet I still can only barely conceive of such a size. Yet this tenous grip I have is more terrifying than anything else I have ever considered. 


But despite that terror it reaffirms my faith in our species, after all we these tiny specks dares to breach this insurmountable size, as we venture forth into the space and more people look back on our beautiful planet will they do as many have in the past and realise, just how small we are and accept the pointlessness of so much we have conflict over. I often wonder why it is that we are the dominant species on this planet when it often seems that the only true application we have used our minds is to improve our ability to kill each other. Then I remember that also we dream and dare to touch the impossible I might be terrified by space and the size it represents. But my god if I was given the opportunity no force on earth could stop me from going out there. 


In this modern society we have developed many personal problems due to our society having outgrown our evolution but sometimes perhaps it would be better if we just took a step back from it all if only for ten minutes just to step outside and look up. Look at those stars try and grasp just how far that light has travelled just to reach us. Then consider that we teeny tiny little humans, essentially tiny specs in the cosmic fabric. We are trying to reach out to that and see what's out there. Mostly for no better reason than because it's there, yet to be honest do we need a better reason? There is such beauty in our one lonely planet, imagine just how much there must be in our  mind-shatteringly vast Universe. 

Size

Here is a question: How big can can you comprehend? I ask this as I find my mind currently focusing on Cosmology in a great deal at the moment. I don't really know why but I am it's odd. This may have been because I am currently listening to this wonderful piece of music a great deal. It raises many questions to me.


Now these are questions which generally have been asked to infinity previously but none the less it's something I really want to explore. - I mean that in both a literal and metaphorical sense.- But none the less I know such a thing is unlikely to occur in my lifetime much to my deepest regret. However none the less it's still there in my mind. I consider that there is much flexibility in me yet I cannot even begin to consider the size of our solar system let alone that of our galaxy. Which in turn makes it impossible to grasp the size of the universe. However intellectually I know the figures:  a galaxy of 300 billion suns. A universe of 300 billion galaxies. This utterly terrifies me. I feel so infinitesimally small when I come even close to grasping the sheer volume of mass which must be in this universe. It is the main factor which sways me in my assertion that their must be other forms of life in the universe.


Consider for example that yes it is unlikely that another life supporting planet exists. However one also must attempt to consider just how vast space is. Now I personally do believe that there is life. Yet I also am quite adamant that as species it is unlikely we will ever meet. Despite my natural propensity to not enjoying being proven wrong in an assertion. I truly would enjoy it this time. Consider friends that within our lifetimes lies the possibilty of humankind once again setting foot on celestial bodies other than the mother planet. Indeed currently there is talk of attempting to begin a terraforming process upon Mars. Which is a prospect which excites me more than I can describe. It makes the world of Science fiction feel infinitesimal closer. Which being as I am a great nerd is the reason I am excited. 


What I am saying though dear readers. Is that if you haven't considered the size of the Universe perhaps you should try. After all science is doing it's best to make it closer and smaller. I can't wait to see what this future holds. To quote a favourite of mine. Live Long and Prosper friends.






P.S. here is another song about the universe

Reflections.

Today was something of a reflective day. Well not today rather this past hour or so. I found myself contemplating certain aspects of the future which I am normally able to keep out of my mind. Those of you who read this blog likely know what these aspects are. If not well then I have likely not been speaking to you while in a morose state of mind. However much I wish to deny it though, those aspects are creeping into my mind more often now than they have in the past. Indeed this process of Black thoughts is progressing with somewhat worrying speed. So much so that I fear for my mental well being. It's somewhat vexing that I am now almost completely absorbed with some ideas which I held not 16 months ago. These thoughts are ones which are generally regarded (by myself) as repulsive, yet they are becoming increasingly attractive.

This frankly terrifies me I am not ashamed to say that I increasingly feel that should seek some form of help for this. However -here we come to the crux of my irritation- I have left all of previous support networks behind seeking an education in a city on the opposite cost of our island home. Thus I now find myself lost in a sea of despair and isolation. In my lighter moods it is a source of almost limitless amusement (who doesn't like to laugh at their own misfortune?) After all while I built that network there was never a need to use it. Now that it is broken I am in honestly quite dire need of ways in which to escape my own feelings.

Thus I am pondering where I should go from here. I am still currently able to resist the urges which I am getting. However if memory serves correctly these things have a tendency to grow exponentially and thus one ends up being unable to resist. No matter how powerful their Will (sorry Hal) Thus as I say comes in the quandary currently I am able to utilise a combination of this here Blog as a receptacle for my catharsis. However I feel that it is likely that this will eventually not be able to contain the torrent of emotions which I feel. That is I doubt despite my quite highly polished vocabulary I will not be able to satisfactorily express that which runs through my mind. I therefore feel it is likely I should look into my university's counselling service. However I fear that it may have a price tag attached which worries me.

However I know realistically that you care not for any of what I am saying. Either you know it all ready or you don't actually know enough to fully understand my vagaries. If either of these cases describes you. I apologise wholeheartedly. I don't mean to bore you (fat chance of that if you read this you will all ready be bored) However if you know enough of what is going on to know what I mean and you haven't heard this particular aspect of my thoughts then please give me your perspective. I am really stretching my somewhat limited intellect to it's limits attempting to sort these emotions of mine out.

I am sorry for the whine fest that this post entailed. It was really being used as a form of Catharsis. I shall endeavour to think of something interesting to comment on some time later in the week for you to peruse over.

Thoughts A precurser.

I am considering a lot of things at the moment. My emotions are going somewhat topsy turvy much as my mind is slowly becoming unclogged and it's ability to construct logical thought is returning. I therefore thought I would detail a thought process while I consider a random topic and try and formulate some ideas on it. I will do this tomorrow at roughly the same time as now I leave it to you dear reader to decide me some topics. I will try and write something for everything you ask. Just leave a comment after this post and tell me what you would like me to write about.

This will help me as it would aid in the awakening of my brain which is much needed. It would also pose an interesting thought experiment on your part as I am sure what I come up with will likely be different to that which you would come up with.

Please comment otherwise this will fail and I will have determined no one reads this thing

Au revior friends

Midnight Musings

I am here thinking while waiting for a certain someone to turn up online. Wondering about certain aspects of my personality which have recently came into question. If you look to the title of this post you will see which aspect in particular I am thinking about. Well rather you will know of the aspect which I feel I lack. This thought process came about due through a friend being quite excited about the BBC drama Merlin. A show which I abhor but am not going to go into as this isn't a reviewing blog in the slightest.

I am uncertain how to describe this since I am sure the idea of being unable to enthuse over things seems incredibly foreign to you dear friends. This is much how the idea of being able to be enthusiastic is to me. The most prominent example in my mind would be the prospect of either Camp or University. Both were fairly major changes in my life yet I felt very little from them indeed to be honest I felt nothing from either of them. In some ways this scares me a little. I say this because it seems that it is further distancing me from the main body of humanity. That is to say it's a further example of that which plagues my nightmares almost constantly, the concept that although I have the form and relative function of a human. There is nothing which identifies me with them on an emotional level.

I come to this fear because in retrospect I find myself lacking any new emotional bonds in this new place I find myself dropped in. I am able to perceive the joy and the camaraderie which exists here and the potential for such things but I cannot connect to any such ideals. Indeed to return to earlier I feel nothingness there is no connection. To use the example I did to my friend I feel empty. That is to say I feel as though there is a hole within me wherein most are able to place all their emotions. A place I do feel I lack sometimes, please don't mistake me there are definitely times when I know I am feeling things and that I do feel connected with the rest of our species. Yet that doesn't distract from the notion that I do often feel isolated, cast adrift in a sea of ennui.

This I feel does make it harder for me to socialise, as I cannot really engage in the things which they do with any of the vigour that they can. Which is a facet that infuriates me as it ends that I seem to come across as fairly dull I am sure since I end up not really being able express my interests as perhaps as deeply as I could. Purely because I am unable to get completely enthused by them even if it is something I hold incredibly dear to my heart. It was really nailed home to me when I was looking through a friends notes on facebook and they had a section devoted to quotes because they couldn't fit them in into their quote section.

This I feel is something which I urgently need to focus on as the next part of my emotional development. After all no matter how far I may have come if I am unable to connect on any level with other humans surely there is no purpose in me attempting to become more social and engage more with the rest of humanity if I am unable to formulate any form of relation with because I cannot relate to half the emotional spectrum. After all there is a positive to the miring I have had in the negative aspects is that I am surprisingly attuned to those. Which means I am often credited as incredibly caring. Which it is probable I am after all I would gladly sacrifice my happiness if those I loved were to be happy eternally.

This lends itself to a lovely dichotomy wherein I am able to intuitively determine when most people I am close to are upset. However I am only able to grasp people being truly happy and excited about things on an intellectual level. It is a source of great consternation to me as I am unable to match their state correctly or at least I don't believe I do.

Now this whole process may contribute to me only being able to grasp emotional facets on an intellectual level for long periods of time. After all I am not completely unfeeling I do have bouts of positive emotions yet normally they are far too transient to be able to genuinely match these emotions to others. But as I say those who experience long bouts of intense positive emotion are outside of my emotional intellect. Yet I am sure that I probably don't help proceedings by doing this after all I am basically over thinking the whole process and likely making it more complex than it is needed. However this is what is occupying my mind at the moment and this place is basically where I go to vent things in a vaguely rationalised way.

Therefore dear friends I am eternally sorry for my likely apathy I will confess it is occasionally legitimate but sometimes it's because I can't bring forth any legitimate enthusiasm.

Au revoir and fare well friends.