Size

Here is a question: How big can can you comprehend? I ask this as I find my mind currently focusing on Cosmology in a great deal at the moment. I don't really know why but I am it's odd. This may have been because I am currently listening to this wonderful piece of music a great deal. It raises many questions to me.


Now these are questions which generally have been asked to infinity previously but none the less it's something I really want to explore. - I mean that in both a literal and metaphorical sense.- But none the less I know such a thing is unlikely to occur in my lifetime much to my deepest regret. However none the less it's still there in my mind. I consider that there is much flexibility in me yet I cannot even begin to consider the size of our solar system let alone that of our galaxy. Which in turn makes it impossible to grasp the size of the universe. However intellectually I know the figures:  a galaxy of 300 billion suns. A universe of 300 billion galaxies. This utterly terrifies me. I feel so infinitesimally small when I come even close to grasping the sheer volume of mass which must be in this universe. It is the main factor which sways me in my assertion that their must be other forms of life in the universe.


Consider for example that yes it is unlikely that another life supporting planet exists. However one also must attempt to consider just how vast space is. Now I personally do believe that there is life. Yet I also am quite adamant that as species it is unlikely we will ever meet. Despite my natural propensity to not enjoying being proven wrong in an assertion. I truly would enjoy it this time. Consider friends that within our lifetimes lies the possibilty of humankind once again setting foot on celestial bodies other than the mother planet. Indeed currently there is talk of attempting to begin a terraforming process upon Mars. Which is a prospect which excites me more than I can describe. It makes the world of Science fiction feel infinitesimal closer. Which being as I am a great nerd is the reason I am excited. 


What I am saying though dear readers. Is that if you haven't considered the size of the Universe perhaps you should try. After all science is doing it's best to make it closer and smaller. I can't wait to see what this future holds. To quote a favourite of mine. Live Long and Prosper friends.






P.S. here is another song about the universe

Reflections.

Today was something of a reflective day. Well not today rather this past hour or so. I found myself contemplating certain aspects of the future which I am normally able to keep out of my mind. Those of you who read this blog likely know what these aspects are. If not well then I have likely not been speaking to you while in a morose state of mind. However much I wish to deny it though, those aspects are creeping into my mind more often now than they have in the past. Indeed this process of Black thoughts is progressing with somewhat worrying speed. So much so that I fear for my mental well being. It's somewhat vexing that I am now almost completely absorbed with some ideas which I held not 16 months ago. These thoughts are ones which are generally regarded (by myself) as repulsive, yet they are becoming increasingly attractive.

This frankly terrifies me I am not ashamed to say that I increasingly feel that should seek some form of help for this. However -here we come to the crux of my irritation- I have left all of previous support networks behind seeking an education in a city on the opposite cost of our island home. Thus I now find myself lost in a sea of despair and isolation. In my lighter moods it is a source of almost limitless amusement (who doesn't like to laugh at their own misfortune?) After all while I built that network there was never a need to use it. Now that it is broken I am in honestly quite dire need of ways in which to escape my own feelings.

Thus I am pondering where I should go from here. I am still currently able to resist the urges which I am getting. However if memory serves correctly these things have a tendency to grow exponentially and thus one ends up being unable to resist. No matter how powerful their Will (sorry Hal) Thus as I say comes in the quandary currently I am able to utilise a combination of this here Blog as a receptacle for my catharsis. However I feel that it is likely that this will eventually not be able to contain the torrent of emotions which I feel. That is I doubt despite my quite highly polished vocabulary I will not be able to satisfactorily express that which runs through my mind. I therefore feel it is likely I should look into my university's counselling service. However I fear that it may have a price tag attached which worries me.

However I know realistically that you care not for any of what I am saying. Either you know it all ready or you don't actually know enough to fully understand my vagaries. If either of these cases describes you. I apologise wholeheartedly. I don't mean to bore you (fat chance of that if you read this you will all ready be bored) However if you know enough of what is going on to know what I mean and you haven't heard this particular aspect of my thoughts then please give me your perspective. I am really stretching my somewhat limited intellect to it's limits attempting to sort these emotions of mine out.

I am sorry for the whine fest that this post entailed. It was really being used as a form of Catharsis. I shall endeavour to think of something interesting to comment on some time later in the week for you to peruse over.

Thoughts A precurser.

I am considering a lot of things at the moment. My emotions are going somewhat topsy turvy much as my mind is slowly becoming unclogged and it's ability to construct logical thought is returning. I therefore thought I would detail a thought process while I consider a random topic and try and formulate some ideas on it. I will do this tomorrow at roughly the same time as now I leave it to you dear reader to decide me some topics. I will try and write something for everything you ask. Just leave a comment after this post and tell me what you would like me to write about.

This will help me as it would aid in the awakening of my brain which is much needed. It would also pose an interesting thought experiment on your part as I am sure what I come up with will likely be different to that which you would come up with.

Please comment otherwise this will fail and I will have determined no one reads this thing

Au revior friends

Midnight Musings

I am here thinking while waiting for a certain someone to turn up online. Wondering about certain aspects of my personality which have recently came into question. If you look to the title of this post you will see which aspect in particular I am thinking about. Well rather you will know of the aspect which I feel I lack. This thought process came about due through a friend being quite excited about the BBC drama Merlin. A show which I abhor but am not going to go into as this isn't a reviewing blog in the slightest.

I am uncertain how to describe this since I am sure the idea of being unable to enthuse over things seems incredibly foreign to you dear friends. This is much how the idea of being able to be enthusiastic is to me. The most prominent example in my mind would be the prospect of either Camp or University. Both were fairly major changes in my life yet I felt very little from them indeed to be honest I felt nothing from either of them. In some ways this scares me a little. I say this because it seems that it is further distancing me from the main body of humanity. That is to say it's a further example of that which plagues my nightmares almost constantly, the concept that although I have the form and relative function of a human. There is nothing which identifies me with them on an emotional level.

I come to this fear because in retrospect I find myself lacking any new emotional bonds in this new place I find myself dropped in. I am able to perceive the joy and the camaraderie which exists here and the potential for such things but I cannot connect to any such ideals. Indeed to return to earlier I feel nothingness there is no connection. To use the example I did to my friend I feel empty. That is to say I feel as though there is a hole within me wherein most are able to place all their emotions. A place I do feel I lack sometimes, please don't mistake me there are definitely times when I know I am feeling things and that I do feel connected with the rest of our species. Yet that doesn't distract from the notion that I do often feel isolated, cast adrift in a sea of ennui.

This I feel does make it harder for me to socialise, as I cannot really engage in the things which they do with any of the vigour that they can. Which is a facet that infuriates me as it ends that I seem to come across as fairly dull I am sure since I end up not really being able express my interests as perhaps as deeply as I could. Purely because I am unable to get completely enthused by them even if it is something I hold incredibly dear to my heart. It was really nailed home to me when I was looking through a friends notes on facebook and they had a section devoted to quotes because they couldn't fit them in into their quote section.

This I feel is something which I urgently need to focus on as the next part of my emotional development. After all no matter how far I may have come if I am unable to connect on any level with other humans surely there is no purpose in me attempting to become more social and engage more with the rest of humanity if I am unable to formulate any form of relation with because I cannot relate to half the emotional spectrum. After all there is a positive to the miring I have had in the negative aspects is that I am surprisingly attuned to those. Which means I am often credited as incredibly caring. Which it is probable I am after all I would gladly sacrifice my happiness if those I loved were to be happy eternally.

This lends itself to a lovely dichotomy wherein I am able to intuitively determine when most people I am close to are upset. However I am only able to grasp people being truly happy and excited about things on an intellectual level. It is a source of great consternation to me as I am unable to match their state correctly or at least I don't believe I do.

Now this whole process may contribute to me only being able to grasp emotional facets on an intellectual level for long periods of time. After all I am not completely unfeeling I do have bouts of positive emotions yet normally they are far too transient to be able to genuinely match these emotions to others. But as I say those who experience long bouts of intense positive emotion are outside of my emotional intellect. Yet I am sure that I probably don't help proceedings by doing this after all I am basically over thinking the whole process and likely making it more complex than it is needed. However this is what is occupying my mind at the moment and this place is basically where I go to vent things in a vaguely rationalised way.

Therefore dear friends I am eternally sorry for my likely apathy I will confess it is occasionally legitimate but sometimes it's because I can't bring forth any legitimate enthusiasm.

Au revoir and fare well friends.

Reflections.

Yesterday marked the true beginning of my BA Philosophy degree. This naturally was a good thing for me. After all if you are here you will have most likely noticed I like to think of myself as a fairly philosophically minded fellow. So there I was and we were discussing Moral Argument this was something which I wasn't mightily interested in purely because I don't really enjoy the concept of Moral's (something which I have discussed previously and will no doubt return to.) Yet there was one particular concept which was raised by James Rachels (the author of the article we were discussing)

This point was that there is no Moral difference between Active and Passive Euthanasia. (If you don't know those terms please look them up now. ... Right you done? Good.) This was according to Rachels because the intent of these two acts is the same. Despite the method being wholly opposite. This concept is one which intrigues me. After all it raises the question could intent mean morally we are the same as those who perform an action? Just as long as we desire to act in that way.

Yet this wasn't what I was originally going to write about. It's just an interesting thought. Incidentally you should all try and read some work by real philosopher's it's mind blowing. I dream of being able to formulate my ideas in this fashion. However back to my own thoughts rather than that of others.

So I have been here almost a fortnight now. I am just about getting my mind back into the correct mindset for philosophy. Yet I also find myself thinking alot about what has brought me here and what I am aiming to do with this here life of mine. Well I would generally have to say that I am only here because of the hard work and patience of my loved ones. They have occasionally had to drag me through al ot of nonsense and well I am mostly through and just about alive.

As to what I want to do well that's harder to say. After all I barely know what is going on with me at the moment. But hopefully certain things will become more certain and official these are things which I would truly love to continue into a longer period of time. However there are also things which I wouldn't really mind if they changed. But either way I think I will try and change one thing. I will actually update this thing as I did in the past.

I hope everyone has had a good few months without a regular tasting of my particular brand of nonsense. But damnit things are a changing I will aim to bring you the most pointless of observations and the least inspired thoughts I can. However none the less I will remain optimistic that I can improve.

Au revoir for now my friends.

A destined meeting?

So here I am at almost 6 in the morning and I find myself thinking. Now this dear friends is likely not much of a surprise well the lateness of the evening might be I don't know.

However none the less here I am and I am thinking of the complexities of nature, the infinite teeming unlikelihood's of certain events. Despite the life shattering nature of these events. I am talking about certain chance meetings. Now I know I have commented on this in the past. But I have as my last post indicates developed feelings which I did not think I would ever feel again. This has led me to consider the roots of them and how many places if just one thing had changed I would never have developed these feelings.

This has led me to consider the nature of the future. In particular do we have any true choices in this world? Or are we destined for these meetings. I am uncertain as I know that sadly many people who need a meeting which brings some small shred of positive light into their lives do not get this. However in my personal journey through life I seem to have always been fortuitous enough to just when I needed it someone has appeared to guide me through whatever personal darkness I happen to be experiencing.

This thought concerns me somewhat though. For if these people were destined to appear before me did that mean that they were forced to neglect helping others more in need/more deserving than I? However I then consider, If they were destined to help me in particular the logical question is: Why? I after all am not appearing to make much of a positive impact on this world. Could it be there is a time when due to my past I will be able to help another?

Could this be a purpose of my fortuitous experiences? Are we just to be moved around in order to help or hinder others depending on our relative pasts? If this were so it is both a pleasant and worrisome thought. I say worrisome as it seems like people are forced to experience pain in order to eliminate pain. Yet the scenario of our lives being moved as described above requires an omnipotent and immanent deity. Which if it does exist and does move the universe in this manner. Would be one radically different from that of the traditional theistic impression of a deity. This creature would be one of at best amorality. Which has horrific implications if it were to become bored of acting in a generally positive manner.

However this purpose also may be a positive thing. After all this could be some sort of group consciousness which relates people to as many places as they are needed that are possible. Indeed this theory could suggest that our whole lives are influenced entirely by the needs of others. Thus implying that humanity is an inherently empathic creature. Which would be a most reassuring thought to have.

I don't have any idea which of these possibilities is true. Indeed I don't know if you agree with my thought process. Heck you might highly disagree with it. This is something I would welcome, this place is too filled with my opinions and thoughts. However your silence does somewhat fill me with confidence. I hope it means that you all think I am being mostly logical. However I have spouted enough nonsense for this today.

So I shall bid you adieu dear friends.

Post Camp musings

So dear friends. I am returned to mine homeland. I have indeed been here almost a week. This time has been spent doing very little. Then again I feel I am deserved of a break since I have just had one of the most eventful summer's of my life. I as you know have been at a summer camp for children and adults for developmental disabilities. Now this was a wondrous experience as I have discussed previously I feel like a better person due to the events of this camp. It sounds incredibly cliche yet I wholeheartedly feel that this was the single greatest point of my life.

Some of the people whom I have met have re instilled me with faith in our species as one which perhaps has the possibility of escaping it's violent roots and becoming more than the sum of it's parts. By this I mean that I generally feel that our species should have been cleansed off this planet long ago if only to prevent the horror we have wrought in our history. It is a terrifying thought that in all of human history the only field of study which has been consistently developed has been that of warfare.

However these thoughts were extinguished when I went to here and saw two hundred or so people whom had never met each other before become a fully functioning group who cared for those people whom a race which I described earlier would have cast away. Those who due to no fault of their own cannot function on their own. This sight I will be honest shocked me, I believe it is what roused me from my apathy and facilitated my growth as a human being.

This growth has in fact evolved since last we spoke my friends, it has progressed to another aspect of my lost humanity returning to me. That is to say the humanity I feel I lost due to the unpleasantness of last October. I was able not only to connect on an emotional level with someone over an incredibly short period of time. Which is a feat you all well know is generally beyond me. This emotional connection was odd it arose from almost no where. The amazing part was unlike a lot of the time these feelings were reciprocated. This was naturally a huge surprise as I am not generally the type of person whom people develop those types of feelings for. None the less I believe she has helped me become more human again as was able to feel happy for the first time in a long while. Or rather the first time that summer.

Now this may be because the lady in question is like looking in a mirror well apart from that this mirror makes one beautiful and the opposite gender. Yet the point remains she made me feel happy and content. Just by her very presence did I feel at peace with myself. The normal constant internal turmoil I feel was abated. I confess this effect somewhat scared me. After all there is one other who had that effect on me and she utterly destroyed me. However I quieted my fear as I believed that if I was going to let my fear of being hurt again let me be hurt then what use is it? This led to something of a whirlwind romance, one which although not necessarily intimate on a physical level it was so incredibly profound on an emotional level that within the space of two weeks or so. I am certain I have fallen in love with this lady.

Therein lay the problem as she is an American and I as you all well know am British. Thus although it is true she makes me happier than I have been in a long time there is no real way in which for us to be together. Hence some of you may have heard of this allready but I am currently switching between quite happy and quite upset. Indeed I apologise for burdening you all with this hell I apologise for this post being a bit of a "oo look at me I made loads of friends and miss them boohoo look at me" kinda thing at the moment. I promise it will be back to business as soon as possible. I.E. pretentious twaddle.

This is something of a way so as to rationalise a lot of thoughts which are currently running through my mind, however there is a point to it. All of these positives which I have listed are just cement for me to return to Loyaltown next summer. I don't know how I am going to get to that point from where I am now but damn it I know for certain that you will be along for the ride.

As always my friends lets face that big wide world with an open mind and as always put forward optimism despite what our logic might tell us. After all when the Ultimate answer to Life the Universe and Everything is 42 what place does logic have?