Optimism in the face of overriding Nihilism

2010

2010-12-31T18:46:00.000Z

Hello Hello is anyone there? Helloooo? Well I should try and change that shouldn't I?

2010 it was a year in which ... I didn't post here. Who would have thought it? Apart from that though, there were several things that happened, too many to really count but there are certainly many things which had a profound effect on me. Here I shall attempt to detail them. If I leave anything out it doesn't mean that I don't care about such an event more that I am an idiot and thus forgot about it.

The major thing that sticks out in my mind would be the passing of my first year of university. This came as something of a surprise to me because I am kind of an idiot. However self deprecation aside (yeah like that's going to happen around here) It was a brilliant turn of events as now I am doing modules which I truly enjoy as opposed to ones which I barely tolerate. Though it does lead to an annoyance, now that I genuinly enjoy my lectures I find the lack of actual contact time quite infuriating (either 8 or 4 hours a week depending on it being an even or odd week) As while I am doing more work for my course I am still finding that I am spending most of my time without anything really to do.

I seem to be getting ahead of myself though, as between now and then there were six months, I am trying to think of some of the things that happened in the interim. Well there was one thing, on the 6th of March my Grandfather passed away. Yet as always life does go on. I am pretty sure that he would have preferred me to hold such a view.

This of course would have been the darkest point the first half of the year, however there was of course upshots, one of these would be the continual presence of Sci-Fi and Fantasy Society. It is somewhat strange because looking on the outside many would likely consider them to be terrible people. I mean there is yet to go a meeting in my knowledge that doesn't descend into discussions concerning some form of horrible perversion. However among these are those whom I consider to be my closest friends. Now what that says about me I will allow you to decide. However these group of people are a constant source of joy to me. Which is a lovely juxtaposition against the despair I feel from the films we watch (Conan being a perfect example of such) so if any of you are reading this (bah like people read this nonsense) I do thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The summer once again brought me to Hunter NY for a second year working at Camp Loyaltown AHRC once again I cannot praise this place enough. (Seriously if you get me onto the topic of camp I will likely talk at you for hours) once again the love and care shown by all those working there astounds me and reminds me that humanity isn't quite the pit I often feel it is. (that will teach me for living in either Middlesbrough or Hull number one and two worst places to live in Britain respectively) there were far too many periods of nonsense during camp that I can't even begin to list them. First among them that strikes me is the stealing of a space hopper and riding around camp on it like some sort of horse, the cross dressing, painting myself blue (again), the average man and many more. I love this place more than I can ever truly describe.

Apart from all of the wonder of Camp in general this summer (and by proxy Camp) brought a different kind of joy. It was the first time I was able to see my ladyfriend after ten months. Naturally this was something of a positive to me and anyone who has been in a long distance relationship can understand my happiness at this fact. Indeed the summer brought mine and her year anniversary. Something I was incredibly surprised about for two reasons. Firstly as I was somehow able to maintain any relationship for a year is somewhat amazing I am after all one of the dullest personages that I can think of. Secondly she somehow found me interesting enough to maintain a relationship with what amounts to a laptop for ten months and didn't grow bored with me. That is for me more surprising as essentially anyone is more interesting than me in person I can't conceive of how dull I must be when they don't even get to laugh at how funny looking I am. Oh well more fool her I suppose.

The end of this summer of course therefore did bring sadness for I was once again forced to depart from my lovely partner but we keep soldiering on etc. Thus with a vaguely weary heart did I begin my second year of University... and it's been brilliant, I have joined several new societies well I say several I mean two and maintained my membership of Sci-Fi. The two I joined were the Anime Society and WARPS which stands for War And Role Playing Society. Of the two I confess that I have spent more time with WARPS as I have several issues with the choices of the Anime soc. However both have yielded either new friendships or deepening of old ones or both. Due almost entirely the efforts of a single friend (whom knows who he is) I joined WARPS and discovered pen and paper RPGs while I had played many video game RPGs I had never tried my hand at their table-top cousin's. This was something of a mixed blessing. Firstly it's good as I enjoy them a great deal. Secondly it's somewhat bad as I threw myself headfirst into the passtime to the extent that two months after starting I am now running a game myself with plans for others while also playing in several. However apart from that through these things I have met some pretty darn amazing people. My main point here is that my second semester has been filled with an influx of extra interesting people. Something which is always a positive in my books.

So my year overall has been pretty good. There have course been dark points which this thing has glossed over as the positives have outwieghed the negative. Overall I feel this has been a pleasant year. If I was forced to give it a rating I would be in a very strange situation as who rates years they are a continual event and really memory is so poor there can't be an accurate comparison to any other. Really this wasn't a review (though it feels somewhat like one) it was more of an exercise to reassess my current situation in order to remind myself that really things aren't quite as boring as I feel they are most of the time. If anyone is foolish enough to read this I thank you as I assume to an outward viewer my life appears incredibly dull. That would likely be an apt estimate. I hope that your year was pleasant and that the coming one is much the same.

All my best and be well dear friends

It's all in the timing

2010-05-12T00:07:00.001+01:00

Well thanks to a certain someone (also you should totally read his blog he is actually a competent writer) I can't help but think about time now. This is annoying because I dislike dealing with time. I will return to this idea later, but firstly I am going to address the issues raised by that devious bas**rd (again seriously read his stuff it's not twaddle like over here.)

The Point raised by my esteemed colleague is that time can be a subjective matter, essentially a matter of perspective. Now I can understand this and indeed it does make sense, as he so correctly puts forward time appears to pass more quickly while on is say for example dreading an exam. However is this to say that time itself is subjective, surely the question raised must be does time exist whatsoever?

Now before I hear the cries of "But Frazer you stupid big haired loon, isn't that post-structuralist and thus against basically most things you stand for?" The answer to that is two fold; on the face value it is essentially such a question. However I don't intend for it to lie as such, by this I mean to say, what is time? for as I said above I dislike time. This is because it refuses to fit into correct schema, by this I mean to say that time is I cannot qualify time as being either man-made or an external construct. This is to say that it appears to be both of these for some of the very reasons that are mentioned above. As if it were a wholly external source it wouldn't appear so subjective surely? e.g. Gravity doesn't sometimes seem stronger and sometimes weaker it tends to remain the same pretty much all the time. However I cannot find it within myself to say that Time isn't partially projected. Consider a year, there is no set reason why it must be 365 and a quarter days long. Indeed there is no reason why a day must be 24 hours long and so on and so forth.

The easiest way I have found of dealing with it must be to claim that TIME(the external concept) is different from Time(the system of measurement.) This is to say that we as a species have established a way in which to ensure efficiency from nature i.e. through the process of quantifying natural processes such as sunrise etc. Whereas TIME is a universal constant which is observable as we pass along it. Hence why history is in the past and the future is yet to come. (I may have Nietzschean tendencies but eternal recurrence seems abit mad) This I feel must be the way otherwise if TIME didn't exist then there could be even less certainty concerning within nature. (something I was sure I had written about but appear to have not. Another time I suppose)

All in all dear friends I require some semblance of order in my universe. If there is not that then the maw of Nihilism appears ready to swallow us whole. For without reason we are but dust in the wind.

General meanderings.

2010-02-26T18:30:00.001Z

Before we begin I am going to warn you this is not going to be on a particular focus just on some random thoughts as I feel in the mood to write.

This past week I have been thinking a great deal. Not really deeply about anything just have been contemplating things somewhat. Mostly on the nature of what makes people who they are. Now that is no real surprise to me since that's what we are discussing within one of my modules at University at the moment. However none the less it is a point which I have been focusing on. I can come too no real conclusions but the best attempt I have would be that which Sartre proposes that is that one can know that others exist through the contemplation of self image. That is to say that one must consider the way in which those others may perceive them. In particular if one were to act in a way which is not traditional -read as acting in a way which is less than moral- This would suggest that if one were to be witnessed the view of these people would be less than stellar. Indeed it's possible they would look unfavourably. It seems to suggest that other's bar oneself must exist if such thought could be given. After all generally the majority of people find it difficult to conceptualise themselves in a negative light. Thus is it to be that it does appear that other's exist.

Another thought that has been plaguing my mind recently is that of the way in which one is named, and the power naming can have. Again something which has recently came up in one of my lectures. (hey it's like I am taking this degree thing seriously or something ain't it?) Although this is a point I have wished to address for awhile as I consider the fact that I personally could no doubt have several labels attached to most aspects of my behaviour at the same time. Indeed these label's would likely be considered to be mutually exclusive. Example: Recently I loudly exclaimed "I am the tray emperor!" in the middle of a canteen at University, now within my circle of friends that was considered to be par for course. Yet the general populous likely considered it to be less so. This is not a fantastic example yet currently a better one eludes me. However it serves to illustrate my purpose as in such a situation I was simultaneously likely considered as deviating from social norms and yet also fitting them. This dualistic nature amuses and confuses me. It somewhat demonstrates that context can so highly colour the nature of one's own personal reality.

Indeed that leads me to my third and final (tumultuous cheering at the ending of this nonsense) that is the nature of personal reality. -clarification: I ascribe to the belief that each person inhabits a personal reality which encroaches on that of all other's.- Thus it is also linked to my first musing, how is it that each person has a separate reality and yet each is able to make a huge impact on that of other's. That is to say that often one can have an incredibly profound effect on another's life purely by getting to know them and being within it. This has occurred to me on several occasion's.

My apologies about the rambling nature of these thoughts I have attempted to tie them together but alas it seems to have eluded my abilities. I hope that they provoke some thoughts in you. If they do why not comment and let me know I read all of them after all (yes all those so many comments I have ever had)

Take care dear friends, and keep thinking.

Some thoughts

2010-02-01T02:52:00.000Z

Good evening dear friends. Here is a surprise I haven't written much here in awhile. Now this isn't meant as a slight against you indeed I would probably argue tooth and nail that it's doing you a service that I am not writing nonsense for you all to read. However in saying this I am not saying I haven't been busy, I have had exams recently hence my general lack of mental space to muck about with other things rather I have been focused on the philosophies I have had to learn for that little thing called a degree. However I am back with something of a renewed sense of purpose. I vow to bring far more inane pondering's to your attention.

Indeed I have been pondering something's recently, it came to me while leaving to eat dinner earlier in this week. Most would describe what I experienced as something of an existentialist crises, that is to say that I was plagued by the inescapable feeling of wonder about who I am and what I am becoming. Now I have questioned who I am in the past yet this time the feeling was more raw, more primal. I found myself questioning the very nature of the person I am. Through this I progressed into thoughts of what shaped me into acting the way I do. Which brought me to a strange conclusion, I cannot think of the time when I changed from the border line spoilt brat I was when younger to the person I am now.

Naturally I don't consider myself to be a particularly "good" person, but I think I am at least more considerate to other's needs and wants but the major issue I found myself facing was Why? Why am I this way? Of this I was unable to create any firm positions from which to stand. I concluded that the only reason I am opposed to injustices against minorities is that were I in said position I wouldn't want such treatment. This makes me wonder: My words and actions are generally regarded as being moralistic. But am I? Thus the question becomes is it intent that denotes the worth of a person or is it purely their actions? Therefore I was forced to ask myself: am I in fact still that selfish coward of yesteryear only expressing such cowardice in another form? I would like to think not but then again I am never sure, as I say the point remains on definition of what it is to be good. However despite this somewhat unnerving train of thought was interrupted my another. I began to consider my effect on others. Herein led me to an alternative reason of my motivations. Perhaps I don't act in such a way because I don't want to have it happen to me. But instead because I know and care about people who have suffered in life through one way or another. Which leads me to believe that rebel against people treating each other poorly because I have seen pain being wrought on those I care about and I wouldn't want anyone else to suffer so.

This quite demonstrably was a somewhat disconcerting way in which to think. Yet in some fashion I am pleased to have it. If I am unable to recognise my faults in such a way how else would I attempt to consider things from an alternative point of view? However despite the abruptness and mild concern I gained through this flash of insight. I am going to attempt to consider it in a positive manner as I none the less was able to come up with something of an answer to the question of who I am. I don't know who I am, but I don't think who I will end up being will be too bad.

Thus I bid you farewell dear friends. Till we next speak

Au revoir

Size cont'd

2010-01-03T00:04:00.001Z

Well it seems like forever and a day since I last put anything up here. For that I apologise I hope that you will be able to forgive me for that. But none the less I have been about I have just been either very busy. Or battling with a new foe in the form of ennui. So what has changed around here? Well I have put in that fancy twitter widget so if you have twitter give me a follow I don't spout much more insanity than I do over here. Hell chances are if you read this you would enjoy seeing slightly less nonsense than I put here.

However back to my point. You! yes you right there in front of the interwebs screen reading this. Have you ever considered yourself? Now I know that last time I was here I talked about the very big. Yet now I want you to think about your place in that universe. Consider again the relative scale of the universe we all know that it is mindbogglingly huge. Now think about yourself, you are compared to that as an atom is to our perception. Yet that is not a bad thing, despite this limitation you are part of a species that has done such incredible things we have clawed our way off our speck of a planet to breach into the dark void of the universe. Consider just how infinitesimal small we are and yet we still have the gall to permeate into this place of horror. After all when it is 149,600,000KM from the earth to the sun. Which is 8 minutes for the speed of light which is 299 792 458 metre's per second. This combined with the fact that the average human male is 2 metre's tall, it puts some of the size of the Universe into some slight measure of size to the universe. Yet I still can only barely conceive of such a size. Yet this tenous grip I have is more terrifying than anything else I have ever considered.

But despite that terror it reaffirms my faith in our species, after all we these tiny specks dares to breach this insurmountable size, as we venture forth into the space and more people look back on our beautiful planet will they do as many have in the past and realise, just how small we are and accept the pointlessness of so much we have conflict over. I often wonder why it is that we are the dominant species on this planet when it often seems that the only true application we have used our minds is to improve our ability to kill each other. Then I remember that also we dream and dare to touch the impossible I might be terrified by space and the size it represents. But my god if I was given the opportunity no force on earth could stop me from going out there.

In this modern society we have developed many personal problems due to our society having outgrown our evolution but sometimes perhaps it would be better if we just took a step back from it all if only for ten minutes just to step outside and look up. Look at those stars try and grasp just how far that light has travelled just to reach us. Then consider that we teeny tiny little humans, essentially tiny specs in the cosmic fabric. We are trying to reach out to that and see what's out there. Mostly for no better reason than because it's there, yet to be honest do we need a better reason? There is such beauty in our one lonely planet, imagine just how much there must be in our mind-shatteringly vast Universe.

Size

2009-10-20T21:37:00.000+01:00

Here is a question: How big can can you comprehend? I ask this as I find my mind currently focusing on Cosmology in a great deal at the moment. I don't really know why but I am it's odd. This may have been because I am currently listening to this wonderful piece of music a great deal. It raises many questions to me.

Now these are questions which generally have been asked to infinity previously but none the less it's something I really want to explore. - I mean that in both a literal and metaphorical sense.- But none the less I know such a thing is unlikely to occur in my lifetime much to my deepest regret. However none the less it's still there in my mind. I consider that there is much flexibility in me yet I cannot even begin to consider the size of our solar system let alone that of our galaxy. Which in turn makes it impossible to grasp the size of the universe. However intellectually I know the figures: a galaxy of 300 billion suns. A universe of 300 billion galaxies. This utterly terrifies me. I feel so infinitesimally small when I come even close to grasping the sheer volume of mass which must be in this universe. It is the main factor which sways me in my assertion that their must be other forms of life in the universe.

Consider for example that yes it is unlikely that another life supporting planet exists. However one also must attempt to consider just how vast space is. Now I personally do believe that there is life. Yet I also am quite adamant that as species it is unlikely we will ever meet. Despite my natural propensity to not enjoying being proven wrong in an assertion. I truly would enjoy it this time. Consider friends that within our lifetimes lies the possibilty of humankind once again setting foot on celestial bodies other than the mother planet. Indeed currently there is talk of attempting to begin a terraforming process upon Mars. Which is a prospect which excites me more than I can describe. It makes the world of Science fiction feel infinitesimal closer. Which being as I am a great nerd is the reason I am excited.

What I am saying though dear readers. Is that if you haven't considered the size of the Universe perhaps you should try. After all science is doing it's best to make it closer and smaller. I can't wait to see what this future holds. To quote a favourite of mine. Live Long and Prosper friends.

P.S. here is another song about the universe

Reflections.

2009-10-19T01:15:00.003+01:00

Today was something of a reflective day. Well not today rather this past hour or so. I found myself contemplating certain aspects of the future which I am normally able to keep out of my mind. Those of you who read this blog likely know what these aspects are. If not well then I have likely not been speaking to you while in a morose state of mind. However much I wish to deny it though, those aspects are creeping into my mind more often now than they have in the past. Indeed this process of Black thoughts is progressing with somewhat worrying speed. So much so that I fear for my mental well being. It's somewhat vexing that I am now almost completely absorbed with some ideas which I held not 16 months ago. These thoughts are ones which are generally regarded (by myself) as repulsive, yet they are becoming increasingly attractive.

This frankly terrifies me I am not ashamed to say that I increasingly feel that should seek some form of help for this. However -here we come to the crux of my irritation- I have left all of previous support networks behind seeking an education in a city on the opposite cost of our island home. Thus I now find myself lost in a sea of despair and isolation. In my lighter moods it is a source of almost limitless amusement (who doesn't like to laugh at their own misfortune?) After all while I built that network there was never a need to use it. Now that it is broken I am in honestly quite dire need of ways in which to escape my own feelings.

Thus I am pondering where I should go from here. I am still currently able to resist the urges which I am getting. However if memory serves correctly these things have a tendency to grow exponentially and thus one ends up being unable to resist. No matter how powerful their Will (sorry Hal) Thus as I say comes in the quandary currently I am able to utilise a combination of this here Blog as a receptacle for my catharsis. However I feel that it is likely that this will eventually not be able to contain the torrent of emotions which I feel. That is I doubt despite my quite highly polished vocabulary I will not be able to satisfactorily express that which runs through my mind. I therefore feel it is likely I should look into my university's counselling service. However I fear that it may have a price tag attached which worries me.

However I know realistically that you care not for any of what I am saying. Either you know it all ready or you don't actually know enough to fully understand my vagaries. If either of these cases describes you. I apologise wholeheartedly. I don't mean to bore you (fat chance of that if you read this you will all ready be bored) However if you know enough of what is going on to know what I mean and you haven't heard this particular aspect of my thoughts then please give me your perspective. I am really stretching my somewhat limited intellect to it's limits attempting to sort these emotions of mine out.

I am sorry for the whine fest that this post entailed. It was really being used as a form of Catharsis. I shall endeavour to think of something interesting to comment on some time later in the week for you to peruse over.

Thoughts A precurser.

2009-10-13T22:19:00.002+01:00

I am considering a lot of things at the moment. My emotions are going somewhat topsy turvy much as my mind is slowly becoming unclogged and it's ability to construct logical thought is returning. I therefore thought I would detail a thought process while I consider a random topic and try and formulate some ideas on it. I will do this tomorrow at roughly the same time as now I leave it to you dear reader to decide me some topics. I will try and write something for everything you ask. Just leave a comment after this post and tell me what you would like me to write about.

This will help me as it would aid in the awakening of my brain which is much needed. It would also pose an interesting thought experiment on your part as I am sure what I come up with will likely be different to that which you would come up with.

Please comment otherwise this will fail and I will have determined no one reads this thing

Au revior friends

Midnight Musings

2009-10-12T02:25:00.006+01:00

I am here thinking while waiting for a certain someone to turn up online. Wondering about certain aspects of my personality which have recently came into question. If you look to the title of this post you will see which aspect in particular I am thinking about. Well rather you will know of the aspect which I feel I lack. This thought process came about due through a friend being quite excited about the BBC drama Merlin. A show which I abhor but am not going to go into as this isn't a reviewing blog in the slightest.

I am uncertain how to describe this since I am sure the idea of being unable to enthuse over things seems incredibly foreign to you dear friends. This is much how the idea of being able to be enthusiastic is to me. The most prominent example in my mind would be the prospect of either Camp or University. Both were fairly major changes in my life yet I felt very little from them indeed to be honest I felt nothing from either of them. In some ways this scares me a little. I say this because it seems that it is further distancing me from the main body of humanity. That is to say it's a further example of that which plagues my nightmares almost constantly, the concept that although I have the form and relative function of a human. There is nothing which identifies me with them on an emotional level.

I come to this fear because in retrospect I find myself lacking any new emotional bonds in this new place I find myself dropped in. I am able to perceive the joy and the camaraderie which exists here and the potential for such things but I cannot connect to any such ideals. Indeed to return to earlier I feel nothingness there is no connection. To use the example I did to my friend I feel empty. That is to say I feel as though there is a hole within me wherein most are able to place all their emotions. A place I do feel I lack sometimes, please don't mistake me there are definitely times when I know I am feeling things and that I do feel connected with the rest of our species. Yet that doesn't distract from the notion that I do often feel isolated, cast adrift in a sea of ennui.

This I feel does make it harder for me to socialise, as I cannot really engage in the things which they do with any of the vigour that they can. Which is a facet that infuriates me as it ends that I seem to come across as fairly dull I am sure since I end up not really being able express my interests as perhaps as deeply as I could. Purely because I am unable to get completely enthused by them even if it is something I hold incredibly dear to my heart. It was really nailed home to me when I was looking through a friends notes on facebook and they had a section devoted to quotes because they couldn't fit them in into their quote section.

This I feel is something which I urgently need to focus on as the next part of my emotional development. After all no matter how far I may have come if I am unable to connect on any level with other humans surely there is no purpose in me attempting to become more social and engage more with the rest of humanity if I am unable to formulate any form of relation with because I cannot relate to half the emotional spectrum. After all there is a positive to the miring I have had in the negative aspects is that I am surprisingly attuned to those. Which means I am often credited as incredibly caring. Which it is probable I am after all I would gladly sacrifice my happiness if those I loved were to be happy eternally.

This lends itself to a lovely dichotomy wherein I am able to intuitively determine when most people I am close to are upset. However I am only able to grasp people being truly happy and excited about things on an intellectual level. It is a source of great consternation to me as I am unable to match their state correctly or at least I don't believe I do.

Now this whole process may contribute to me only being able to grasp emotional facets on an intellectual level for long periods of time. After all I am not completely unfeeling I do have bouts of positive emotions yet normally they are far too transient to be able to genuinely match these emotions to others. But as I say those who experience long bouts of intense positive emotion are outside of my emotional intellect. Yet I am sure that I probably don't help proceedings by doing this after all I am basically over thinking the whole process and likely making it more complex than it is needed. However this is what is occupying my mind at the moment and this place is basically where I go to vent things in a vaguely rationalised way.

Therefore dear friends I am eternally sorry for my likely apathy I will confess it is occasionally legitimate but sometimes it's because I can't bring forth any legitimate enthusiasm.

Au revoir and fare well friends.

Reflections.

2009-10-07T20:41:00.004+01:00

Yesterday marked the true beginning of my BA Philosophy degree. This naturally was a good thing for me. After all if you are here you will have most likely noticed I like to think of myself as a fairly philosophically minded fellow. So there I was and we were discussing Moral Argument this was something which I wasn't mightily interested in purely because I don't really enjoy the concept of Moral's (something which I have discussed previously and will no doubt return to.) Yet there was one particular concept which was raised by James Rachels (the author of the article we were discussing)

This point was that there is no Moral difference between Active and Passive Euthanasia. (If you don't know those terms please look them up now. ... Right you done? Good.) This was according to Rachels because the intent of these two acts is the same. Despite the method being wholly opposite. This concept is one which intrigues me. After all it raises the question could intent mean morally we are the same as those who perform an action? Just as long as we desire to act in that way.

Yet this wasn't what I was originally going to write about. It's just an interesting thought. Incidentally you should all try and read some work by real philosopher's it's mind blowing. I dream of being able to formulate my ideas in this fashion. However back to my own thoughts rather than that of others.

So I have been here almost a fortnight now. I am just about getting my mind back into the correct mindset for philosophy. Yet I also find myself thinking alot about what has brought me here and what I am aiming to do with this here life of mine. Well I would generally have to say that I am only here because of the hard work and patience of my loved ones. They have occasionally had to drag me through al ot of nonsense and well I am mostly through and just about alive.

As to what I want to do well that's harder to say. After all I barely know what is going on with me at the moment. But hopefully certain things will become more certain and official these are things which I would truly love to continue into a longer period of time. However there are also things which I wouldn't really mind if they changed. But either way I think I will try and change one thing. I will actually update this thing as I did in the past.

I hope everyone has had a good few months without a regular tasting of my particular brand of nonsense. But damnit things are a changing I will aim to bring you the most pointless of observations and the least inspired thoughts I can. However none the less I will remain optimistic that I can improve.

Au revoir for now my friends.

A destined meeting?

2009-09-15T05:51:00.004+01:00

So here I am at almost 6 in the morning and I find myself thinking. Now this dear friends is likely not much of a surprise well the lateness of the evening might be I don't know.

However none the less here I am and I am thinking of the complexities of nature, the infinite teeming unlikelihood's of certain events. Despite the life shattering nature of these events. I am talking about certain chance meetings. Now I know I have commented on this in the past. But I have as my last post indicates developed feelings which I did not think I would ever feel again. This has led me to consider the roots of them and how many places if just one thing had changed I would never have developed these feelings.

This has led me to consider the nature of the future. In particular do we have any true choices in this world? Or are we destined for these meetings. I am uncertain as I know that sadly many people who need a meeting which brings some small shred of positive light into their lives do not get this. However in my personal journey through life I seem to have always been fortuitous enough to just when I needed it someone has appeared to guide me through whatever personal darkness I happen to be experiencing.

This thought concerns me somewhat though. For if these people were destined to appear before me did that mean that they were forced to neglect helping others more in need/more deserving than I? However I then consider, If they were destined to help me in particular the logical question is: Why? I after all am not appearing to make much of a positive impact on this world. Could it be there is a time when due to my past I will be able to help another?

Could this be a purpose of my fortuitous experiences? Are we just to be moved around in order to help or hinder others depending on our relative pasts? If this were so it is both a pleasant and worrisome thought. I say worrisome as it seems like people are forced to experience pain in order to eliminate pain. Yet the scenario of our lives being moved as described above requires an omnipotent and immanent deity. Which if it does exist and does move the universe in this manner. Would be one radically different from that of the traditional theistic impression of a deity. This creature would be one of at best amorality. Which has horrific implications if it were to become bored of acting in a generally positive manner.

However this purpose also may be a positive thing. After all this could be some sort of group consciousness which relates people to as many places as they are needed that are possible. Indeed this theory could suggest that our whole lives are influenced entirely by the needs of others. Thus implying that humanity is an inherently empathic creature. Which would be a most reassuring thought to have.

I don't have any idea which of these possibilities is true. Indeed I don't know if you agree with my thought process. Heck you might highly disagree with it. This is something I would welcome, this place is too filled with my opinions and thoughts. However your silence does somewhat fill me with confidence. I hope it means that you all think I am being mostly logical. However I have spouted enough nonsense for this today.

So I shall bid you adieu dear friends.

Post Camp musings

2009-09-07T15:23:00.003+01:00

So dear friends. I am returned to mine homeland. I have indeed been here almost a week. This time has been spent doing very little. Then again I feel I am deserved of a break since I have just had one of the most eventful summer's of my life. I as you know have been at a summer camp for children and adults for developmental disabilities. Now this was a wondrous experience as I have discussed previously I feel like a better person due to the events of this camp. It sounds incredibly cliche yet I wholeheartedly feel that this was the single greatest point of my life.

Some of the people whom I have met have re instilled me with faith in our species as one which perhaps has the possibility of escaping it's violent roots and becoming more than the sum of it's parts. By this I mean that I generally feel that our species should have been cleansed off this planet long ago if only to prevent the horror we have wrought in our history. It is a terrifying thought that in all of human history the only field of study which has been consistently developed has been that of warfare.

However these thoughts were extinguished when I went to here and saw two hundred or so people whom had never met each other before become a fully functioning group who cared for those people whom a race which I described earlier would have cast away. Those who due to no fault of their own cannot function on their own. This sight I will be honest shocked me, I believe it is what roused me from my apathy and facilitated my growth as a human being.

This growth has in fact evolved since last we spoke my friends, it has progressed to another aspect of my lost humanity returning to me. That is to say the humanity I feel I lost due to the unpleasantness of last October. I was able not only to connect on an emotional level with someone over an incredibly short period of time. Which is a feat you all well know is generally beyond me. This emotional connection was odd it arose from almost no where. The amazing part was unlike a lot of the time these feelings were reciprocated. This was naturally a huge surprise as I am not generally the type of person whom people develop those types of feelings for. None the less I believe she has helped me become more human again as was able to feel happy for the first time in a long while. Or rather the first time that summer.

Now this may be because the lady in question is like looking in a mirror well apart from that this mirror makes one beautiful and the opposite gender. Yet the point remains she made me feel happy and content. Just by her very presence did I feel at peace with myself. The normal constant internal turmoil I feel was abated. I confess this effect somewhat scared me. After all there is one other who had that effect on me and she utterly destroyed me. However I quieted my fear as I believed that if I was going to let my fear of being hurt again let me be hurt then what use is it? This led to something of a whirlwind romance, one which although not necessarily intimate on a physical level it was so incredibly profound on an emotional level that within the space of two weeks or so. I am certain I have fallen in love with this lady.

Therein lay the problem as she is an American and I as you all well know am British. Thus although it is true she makes me happier than I have been in a long time there is no real way in which for us to be together. Hence some of you may have heard of this allready but I am currently switching between quite happy and quite upset. Indeed I apologise for burdening you all with this hell I apologise for this post being a bit of a "oo look at me I made loads of friends and miss them boohoo look at me" kinda thing at the moment. I promise it will be back to business as soon as possible. I.E. pretentious twaddle.

This is something of a way so as to rationalise a lot of thoughts which are currently running through my mind, however there is a point to it. All of these positives which I have listed are just cement for me to return to Loyaltown next summer. I don't know how I am going to get to that point from where I am now but damn it I know for certain that you will be along for the ride.

As always my friends lets face that big wide world with an open mind and as always put forward optimism despite what our logic might tell us. After all when the Ultimate answer to Life the Universe and Everything is 42 what place does logic have?

An update.

2009-07-24T03:39:00.004+01:00

I have news friends and compatriots. I am returning to whence I came upon the 1st of the ninth month of this fine year of 2009 A.D. Perhaps I should clarify, I am returning to the United Kingdom on the evening of the first of September to arrive back north on the evening of the 2nd. This is roughly five weeks from now. Indeed the length of time which I have already spent in the U.S. this coming Saturday.

I am finding camp to be an odd experience. Don't get me wrong I love every moment of it but it's just somewhat odd. After all it pushes me into being a moral person. Those of you who frequent this place will know I am at best morally neutral. At worst ... well morally neutral. This is as you all well know I don't really believe in morals. However here I find myself being what most would likely consider a shining beacon of morality. This confuses me, it's not a person I dislike being. Just a person whom I am not used to inhabiting my skin. Hmm I suppose it does lead to a lessening of the hate which I feel for myself thus I should probably not complain. Yet as of this moment I am occasionally confused when I stop and perceive myself and whom I am becoming.

This change I feel is the culmination of that which began with the events of last October. Yet this is not the time or place to discuss those things. I shall comment though that it has changed me for the better. I am able to measure all things against the person who was revealed that day and find myself pleased with the results.

I hope against hope that these last five weeks continue this trend of lessening of self loathing and indeed that of camp being one of the best experiences of my life.

Thus on that note I shall depart dear friends and compatriots. Au revoir and so long I miss you all and send my best regards and love.

2009-07-08T04:40:00.003+01:00

Right well here is the long awaited (I hope) vlog. I shall attempt to do more of these in the future. However this does massivly depend upon my laptop playing nice. As of yet I am optimistic, thus fingers crossed and so and so forth.

A slight change in schedule.

2009-06-19T07:38:00.003+01:00

Well here we are the long fated day of departure, I write this from a train journeying to london where I shall begin my journey to the United States. However one might argue that this journey has been ongoing since november. After all that is when I began the application process.

This journey for me anyway really began in earnest only two days ago, after all this was when my exams were finished. Naturally they occupied a great deal of my thought process for the past few weeks. So much so that I don't entirely feel mentally prepared for this sojurn. None the less it is no time for worrying. I just hope that I don't disappoint all the wonderful people whom have believed in me throughout this process.

In light of this temporary relocation to the U.S. I shall not be engaging in written posts for a short while. Rather you shall be able to witness my presence through a visual medium. In saying this I mean naturally that I am going to be recording Vlogs throughout my journey. I am not certain how many nor indeed if they shall be in a regular pattern. Therefore I would ask that you just check every so often. I do know that I will not be engaging in more than one a week. Thus you need not check more regularly than that. This means I shall likely not be around on internet chat features hugely regularly, none the less dear friends I am going to endeavour to be there occasionally.

If you would like to know anything in particular about my journey then please feel free to either email me or comment here. I shall happily enter into discource over it.

As a final note thank you my friends for being there and thus actually making me miss the homestead. You all do help to ground me somewhat more in the physical world. Something which I am sure you will all agree is something which I need to have done every so often. I shall therefore see you in person in September.

Au revoir.

Beliefs

2009-06-12T21:41:00.004+01:00

My it's been awhile since I wrote here. Well six days which is quite awhile, or at least i think it is. None the less I am around now, so i have been thinking. I started this blog in order to discuss various aspects of my beliefs, thus I feel i should clarify my beliefs somewhat.

So to kick us off religion. Me and religion have kind of an odd relationship, I tend to disagree with a lot of organised religion. It's not a philosophical disagreement it's just that I disagree with telling people how to think. I mean in my most humble of opinions surely to promote free thinking autonomous beings. Maybe this is just a thought of mine but it seems logical to promote people to decide how they feel for themselves. Now don't get me wrong I am not close minded enough to believe that modern society would have naturally evolved without some sort of unifying explanation. This being throughout most of history religion. (Or at least to my knowledge any historians please feel free to correct me) Thus I may disagree with certain aspects I can appreciate that it has been needed. Indeed I realise that it's something which gives hope to a great many people in this world. I would hope thought that current religion is the way which it remains as currently there is no major religion which preaches any form of forced conversion. Which as I say is my main point of contention. I have no problems with people having faith nor with them worshiping in any way they choose.

Yet as much as I am criticising religion I don't disagree with the concept of a god. As I have previously stated I do believe in a god. If not the classical theistic god, however I would comment that I personally feel that any higher being would have no true interest in our lives. Yet I would argue that given the astronomical chances of each person existing is to me an indication of some form of divine plan. To borrow the words of a much greater writer than myself Alan Moore "In each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring THIS precise son; THAT exact daughter ... to distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability like turning air to gold... THAT is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermodynamic miracle" This is a statement which when I first read I didn't grasp because much like most people this concept is forgotten. Here is some advice to you my friends and compatriots just consider this for one moment. Consider the sheer magnitude of the unlikeliness of your own existence. Not too much you might get a headache it can be somewhat disconcerting the first time. But my point is with such events plus when one considers that the chances of a planet being produced which will support life in the way that earth does, is something like one to one times ten to the power sixty. Or in an alternative way:

1 - 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Kinda scary when it's put that way isn't it? Thus when one considers these factors, it become only logical to assume that some form of cosmic intelligence exists.

However this intelligence if it does exist also could not be the classical theistic image. Or at least not in my thinking. After all when one considers that there is one hundred billion galaxies (roughly) each with one hundred billion stars. Now naturally not all of these will have planets which can support life. Yet when those kind of numbers exist (more than I personally can conceive of) It once again seems logical to assume that some of them do. None the less the potential number of planets is far too high for me to begin to attempt to guess. But if these planets all have similar populations as does glorious earth. Then the sheer number of people is in itself inconceivable. You then consider that the monotheistic god is personable and the polytheistic gods tend to be involved directly so as to control a particular aspect of existence. The number of people for a monotheistic god to directly relate to is so high logically it does not seem plausible.

These are basically a few insights into my personal belief system. If there is anything else you would like to know about please contact me in some fashion I will be happy to oblige. Yet I feel that currently this is enough for the moment. So long friends.

Some thoughts

2009-06-05T22:18:00.006+01:00

It occurred to me today, I depart within two weeks. Indeed this time in a fortnight I shall be in an airplane, as you all most likely know I am heading to the United States of America this summer in order to be a lifeguard in a summer camp. However some of you might not know that although I am incredibly happy and fortunate to be able to go. I still feel some regret, after all as I have commented in the past you all have only entered my life recently, I therefore am somewhat disheartened to have to so abruptly leave your company pretty much forever.

Therefore I shall go so far as to say my emotions are bittersweet. (my gosh I didn't think I would ever use that term) None the less once again I shall say, despite it now being painful to leave, I wouldn't trade that pain for the loss of you all. You all are the fuel for my optimism which i stuff into the face of that overriding nihilism. (Oh wow look we have a title) Thus you may not consider me while you follow the path of your life this summer. Please know I am going to be thinking of you.

I actually have been thinking about nihilism recently. I have realised me and nihilism have an odd relationship, somewhat of a paradox some would say. As nihilism excites me in ways which I don't feel in any other means. That is nihilism is one of the few things I am truly passionate about. However when I take it to it's logical conclusions, it just makes me feel incredibly low. Which i suppose makes sense heck nihilism is a worrying concept, especially some of the ways in which one might act in a morally nihilistic world. In essecence it's why I relie so heavily on you all. You who disagree with me when I become obsessed with the concept of an oblibvion as an after life. You who remind me that there is some light left in the world.

So dear friends my thanks.

Please don't stop being the optimism to my nihlism.

Humanity.

2009-06-03T21:02:00.004+01:00

Oh humanity how I love you. Yes I know that might sound odd from me dear friends, but it's true. I do indeed secretly harbour a deep and practically unshakable faith in the human condition. This is a faith which often I feel is not present in a lot of modern society. I feel that the current mindset is to be essentially a stoic and disregard human suffering. I can understand this policy indeed it is one which I used to ascribe to.

I will comment however that due to one chance encounter my whole view changed. I was able to witness one small and important act of kindness. This kindness which changed my personal view isn't really important. The main part is that two people whom at the time didn't know me that well basically stopped me from doing something utterly stupid.

However this faith was reaffirmed this evening, on two fronts. Firstly a relativly new friend, indeed someone whom I have known well since easter. Although we have only really spoke within the past month and a half. None the less, this evening due to various events I found myself entertaining very dark thoughts. Yet despite not truly knowing that about me indeed I am not certain if she knows the depth of my dark thoughts (although i suspect she does.) I was struck that despite these things she cared not for me discussing them in a way in which was less than clear. She none the less allowed me to vent. This kindness to me is one of the most touching ways in which two people can interact. After all there was no logical reason she should take my problems upon herself.

This is a problem I have wrestled with in the past. Because I will be honest I have something of a hero complex, as in I tend to take upon others problems. Yet it's something I do not understand in other people. However none the less it's not something I regret witnessing. It is one of the deepest and purest examples of human good will I have ever seen. Indeed I am seeing it more and more regularily as I expose myself to the world, it renews my faith that this world can indeed be saved.

The second occurence this evening was the very same friend posted a link upon Facebook. This link was to this site, a site dedicated to celebrating stories of human deceny and general facets of life which bring joy to peoples hearts. Some of the stories on this site caused me to cry. Now dear friends I am sure you already know this isn't a major feat, heck I am in fact quite the emotional person in general. Yet this brought me to tears twice. Which is a much more difficult thing than just to get me crying. Therefore I cannot recommend this site enough. In particular if you are feeling disenchanted with the world as I was.

To sum up, I do beleive that we as a species are able to progress past our base urges and save this dying world. Till next time fellow wanderer's

Music reiterated

2009-05-30T16:18:00.002+01:00

So I am continuing my trend of writing my interpretation of a blog post a close trend. Today's response is from someone whom I haven't known for a great length of time but has swiftly became one of my closest friends. She recently posted an analysis of her favourite band "the Foo Fighters." This post has made me consider whom my favourite band are, this has been an arduous task as well to be honest I like nigh on everything musically.

There was hope though, this hope came in the form of four young men from Liverpool. These young men rose to prominence and at one point almost started riots just by appearing. I will never have the fortune to hear these four young men play live. As two of them sadly are passed away. One years and years before his time. To those of you who haven't guessed yet I am talking about The Beatles. Now I will be honest as I said previously I doubt these four are my favourite band of all time. But they are a band whom have had the greatest influence on me. They are also the band I have listened to the longest, No small part due to the actions of my mother and father whom all though living after Beatlemania were still huge Beatles fan's. They passed this love to both me and my brother.

So now you know why I listen to them in the first place, now to deal with the actual reason I enjoy them. Well primarily because there music is fun. Through out all of their album's I have listened to, (I confess I haven't heard all of them) one can hear one overriding theme and that is a sheer love for music. These guy's even no matter what may have gone on behind the scenes (hey I don't know they may have argued.) Always put there all into creating something which was a full creation of art. Now you may recall my opinion upon music as an art form and thus a path to god. (If not well just look two posts down) Therefore when ever I listen to them I might not always get that super deep feeling of connectedness, but goddamn I can appreciate they put a lot into making it.

But there are other reasons why I love their work. They often attempted to make music which had a meaning. Often a positive message about our society, now you may or may not know me and society have an odd relationship. As I can't always tell whether I approve of our society, I think overall it's not perfect but it's probably better than full chaos would be. However I am not going to get into a debate upon society here. I will say that I beleive they have produced my favourite actual song. (Orchestrations or instrumental pieces not included.)

This song is "Yesterday" this is a song which although is a quite melancholic song is one which resonates with me in a large fashion. Primarily because I am quite a melancholic person, in particular one who used to often regret the sudden onset of a lot of major problems. Now that isn't a world view I subscibe to any longer, after all I am opptimistic (generally.) Indeed I tend to believe that there isn't that much point in worrying about too many things anymore. After all what's the point? In my view there is nothing which can't be solved and if the solution isn't immediatly apparnent then, just try and take a step back because it will be there.

Friends

2009-05-28T17:27:00.003+01:00

After reading a post by one of my closest friends (who can be found here). I got to thinking about some factors in my life. In particular those of recent life changes which have been enacted on me. It's something I possibly don't think about enough really, but when I do I am constantly amazed. I realise I am being quite unclear here, I am talking about my friends and the effect they have had on me. To those who don't know me I will comment that this time last year I was incredibly different from the person who writes this blog. The main difference I would say is that I had far more anger. Well if I am honest that was one of the cornerstones of my emotional makeup. The only other part of me was a hollow feeling.

However I am not talking about my past here, perhaps another time (doubtful). I am discussing the fact that in the past seven months i.e. since November 2008. I have changed ... well utterly, I realise this change was brought about primarily through the effects of the people whom I have met in these months. I will never be able to express how grateful I am to these wonderful people. However in an attempt to make my gratitude more clear. I am able to say with the utmost honesty: I would not be alive this day without certain people. Thus I dedicate this post to those whom have filled my life with Joy and light. I thank you all from the deepest part of my soul.

In particular much similar to the Mouse (once again found right here) I find myself thanking the oddities of fate. For example I discovered my best friend through one essentially tiny choice. "Should I take Drama enrichment?" This decision was positive for me, because in the first session we were introducing ourselves and up chirped a guy who was sorta sitting out the way "Hi I am Adam Temporal. As in Temporal physics." Pretty much from then on I started talking to him, this also proved to be a damn fine choice, as it turned out that we are practically the same person. He in particular is a person I am thankful for the oddities of fate for throwing in my path.

His friendship indeed led me to meeting many new people, well I don't need to tell you that. You are all pretty much these new people anyway. However there is two people whom I met in a different way who have also had a profound impact on my life. The first I technically met in primary school (although neither of us remember the other) Yet we truly met sometime in December at a pub called the laurel. We were there to see a mutual friend's gig and well we got on okay but I didn't talk much as I was somewhat still under the influence of depression. However a few months later I was upon Facebook and it suggested me to add the person in question as a friend. I did so and through much discussion both online and real life she has became one of my best friends also.

The second non college person to influence my life was met through the one mentioned above. We were just talking online and she commented she was going to give my email address to a friend. Being a generally apathetic creature I consented, this young lady started off the discussion with a debate about literature. This was well frankly a refreshing experience as at the time not many people talked about books and what not to me. Now this person I haven't met all that many times in real life but still her nigh on constant positive outlook has rubbed off on me.

Finally there is one other major influence upon my recent life. A person whom I have never met, nor will I ever converse with this person. The main reason for this is because he died 90 years before I was born. This man is Friedrich Nietzsche, a man whose writings shaped a lot of my personal beliefs. Which is ironic because I am a nihilist which was the exact thing his work is an attack on. However this is because I agree with certain aspects but not all of them. Yet this was a work which shaped my ideas and indeed certain aspects give me hope for a better tomorrow.

After all that the point I am trying to make is that the biggest changes can occur through the smallest things. The chaos theorists really got it right when they used the analogy "A butterflies wings when beating can cause a tornado on the other side of the world." Well people tend to have that effect on me. One small effect by certain people can send me into the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Yet in all fairness I wouldn't change any of that for the world. Once again I would like to thank everyone. You have all made my life worth living again, I can never repay you for this, but goddamn I am going to try.

Music

2009-05-25T22:48:00.004+01:00

Now I will be the first to admit that music doesn't influence me anywhere near as much as it does some people, however there is a particular trait which I find to make me sit up and think "Wow." I am talking primarily about instrumental music, not that i have anything against songs with lyrics and so on. It's just that instrumental pieces I feel can evoke much greater feelings. (Now this is naturally just personal opinion. Please feel free to comment and tell me your own thoughts.) These greater feelings I speak of in my opinion are ways in which certain higher powers can be realised. This is related to my personal belief that God is a force in the universe albeit one which doesn't care for us or our existence.

Now one may be considering "what has any of this got to do with music?" As Fangorn would say, "Don't be hasty." Well to return to the point, music is an expression of beauty this is in my most humble of opinions the way one can perceive the fundamental order of the universe. Consider for a moment the most beautiful piece of music you have ever heard. Just listen to it, don't just hear it, listen with all of your being. I don't know about you but when i do that I feel, content. Now I don't claim to know anything about God. After all my interpretation of God is just about conceivable. Therefore I wouldn't want to claim anything certain about it, but in this world of chaos and uncertainty. A world where in theory a cat is within a box and is alive and dead at the same time while also being neither. To feel content in such a way as I do when listening to certain music, it must be some sort of divine path.

I personally feel that God is to be found within aesthetics, therefore anything beautiful is a way in which to peer into the realm of God. Perhaps it would be best to say, that as long as it evokes a feeling of calm and belonging (in particular in this dehumanised world) then it can be seen as akin to being more than we are and afterall just as Feuerbach said "God is man writ large." Thus can it not be said that something which unites us as music can do, not be considered god?

On people.

2009-05-23T19:18:00.005+01:00

So I found myself lost as to what I wanted to write about this today, and I got to thinking about what has been on my mind for the past few days. I came up with well to be honest not that much. However much later in the day, i.e. within the past ten minutes after leaving the gym I remembered something which irritated me incredibly yesterday. The matter in question came about while I was in conversation with a close friend over MSN last evening, this matter is sex. Now don't get me wrong I have nothing against the act of sex heck it's sorta necessary for the survival of the human race. However what I do have a problem with is people who think of that and only that. Now being as I am a single teenage male I am generally thought to be one of those people but I am not. Heck I am in fact celibate, Now as you dear readers may know I am a moral nihilist so it's not anything to do with morality, It's just sex should only ever be for love. This might make me sound like abit of a stuffy person, but consider sex is the ultimate expression of intimacy. It's an ultimate expression of sharing oneself, to return to a metaphor i have expressed in the past (that of the idea we all wear masks) it is to take of another indeed quite a personal one.

Thus to return to my original point those people who seem to think about nothing but sex. I have this to say "You disgust me" This might seem extreme but it's true I have utterly no respect for anyone who debases such an act. Yet there are some people who I don't have such disgust for. Certain unfortunate people who are forced to sell their bodies. Remember though i say FORCED to sell their bodies. I have the utmost sympathy for those who have ultimately no other option to survive than to do this awful thing. This is because in the end no matter what else might happen survival is the most important thing one can do. Life is after all the most important gift anyone will ever bestow on you. That's something to consider dear friends you were gifted with life by your parents thus I would hope you never let it be squandered. Let nothing try to pull you down into a mire where you feel the only way out is to reject the gift of life. For that is the worst place one can ever reach.

I realise I seem quite preachy here and if so I apologise but this blog is really just an extension of my mind, thus if I seem preachy I suppose I must be preachy. Ah c'est la vie.

Of Parting.

2009-05-22T22:28:00.003+01:00

So today was the last "official" day of college. I am not entirely certain about what that means to me. On one hand I feel ready to leave and embark on some new adventures. In particular I feel that I would like to move away from the family, now don't get me wrong dear companions I love my family. Indeed in a very literal sense I wouldn't be here writing this without there intercession upon my life roughly this time last year. This raises another point of wonder for me, has this college experience been enjoyable? Well that depends on which year we were discussing. I say this because I feel that I am two different people within college. My AS year I was most definitly not the person whom I am today. Now this is in no small part due to residual issues of my life. It also factors into that I am not a naturally social creature, I also entered college with a smallish (yet establised) friendship circle therefore I didn't really expand. This was the reason for my downfall. This is because the others who joined me did not share this mentality. I therefore ended up being left alone when due to various circumstances I lost the original friends. This occured shortly into my A2 year. Now one would likely think this would mean the AS is considered pleasent and the A2 considered not so. This is not the case this is due to one small factor. I did not actually enjoy the company of my established friendship group.

Thus in October I was forced to act in a way which I pretty much never have before. I was forced to be social. This strangly revealed some things to me. I discovered I actually can do this. I will be honest I didn't expect that I would be able to. Through various circumstances I found myself within the P.E. area of college this was an odd scenario as here was an established social order. Yet here I am seven months later and today I spent the early evening with two of my closest friends. Now this is a feeling which I don't often express but I beleive I am happy with my lot.

I think that it's needed to be said that even if this journey is ending at least the people i met will continue to join me along the road. I may not be with you in the flesh yet our spirits will be joined through the way in which our interactions have shaped each others experience of life. We may be destined for different parts of the world yet ultimately we are striving for the same destination.

Happiness may we find it together.

Of disappearing and reemerging

2009-05-20T23:06:00.004+01:00

I am plagued by peculiar thoughts this evening my fellows. I feel lost among a sea of decay and despair. Now I am not naive this is likely highly to do with the fact I have clinical depression. However today it seems odd. I feel that there is currently much ado about nothing. (No that's not a nihilism reference) This may be a trait unique to myself but I find myself oddly detached from concerns I "Should" be facing. In particular those of my upcoming exams. Now don't mistake me dear readers i am revising and so on. It's just many around me are incredibly worried about them. Yet personally i feel ... well nothing. Again those few who are closet to me will know this isn't an odd thing. Indeed it's my general mood to be numb inside. However this feels different, I am currently beleaguered by the desire to disappear. This is not a desire i have ever felt before, granted I have wished to no longer exist (worry not friends I very very rarely feel this way anymore) yet never to merely fade away. Primarily I feel that i would like to just escape my current life details for a short period and not have to deal with the constant bullshit which appears to be the main focus of my current existence. I am finding this hard to conceptualise purely as it's such a new feeling, so my deepest apologies if the level of lucidity common around these parts is lessened today. However returning to the point, I feel that I am growing further disconnected to the people closest to me, this isn't a good feeling because it reminds me a great deal of my past. Which although I am thankful it shaped me into the being I am today (someone whom many claim is a pleasant individual [I'm still uncertain though]) It's not something that i wish to repeat. Now my readers I must make a request of you. It is not an arduous task but one which I feel you are best suited at. Please every so often remind me that the mundane world is around and that my head needs to be somewhat grounded in it. Now I know that it is up for debate whether or not the world as we know it exists. However on this i feel i must be reminded to sometimes stop with the Socratic/Cartesian methodology and attempt to allow myself to reemerge into society.

Contemplation

2009-05-16T22:27:00.005+01:00

I find myself wondering about alot of things alot of the time. First among these is the nature of ones self. It has come to my attention lately through the report of several close friends that i may be too serious. Now this is highly likely it leads me to wonder: how can these people feel I am too serious they don't know the real me. Indeed i don't think anyone does I am always wearing an emotional mask of some form. Yet in all fairness can any one person ever truly claim to be utterly honest about all things to everyone at all points in time? I doubt it I will be the first to comment i distrust the work of Freud yet the concept of balancing oneself to fit in with social boundaries. Most of the time on a personal note i feel that these masks are in essence myself yet not the entirety of my soul. I will admit this is a recent development as to be honest until roughly eight months ago i was barely certain of who i was. Oddly although those who knew me at that point in my life might argue that the cause of this confusion was a terrible thing. I feel no resentment for that part of my life. Indeed i still maintain that parts of it were the happiest i have ever felt. This period is another reason in which i am often confused because allthough the months leading up till october were probably the worst in my short existence on earth. I don't know whether i would want to go back to that time. Heck those thoughts alone fill me with terror. This is because logically one would not assume it was a healthy way in which to feel i.e. going back to the mindset i was in. (If you are curious as to that mindset. Please ask in a private method of communication.) Returning to my original point though would be that despite my current reemergence of my depression. I am pleased with various aspects of my life. Mostly though my recent realisation that i can be social. Although as stated above i am abit of a dull social person. This is related to the masks we wear (see i can retain purpose :-P) as i feel that within social situations we go through an odd scenario of putting up every mask we own and then slowly removing them. Wouldn't life be easier then if we actually were able to do away with these masks? Are the existentialists correct? Should we just abandon social conformity and act as we wish? These are questions which plague me. I hope by sharing these concerns i am acting in a way in which to remove some of my own masks. Adieu.

A musing

2009-05-13T17:00:00.006+01:00

I noticed something today as i was walking home. It's something i often notice. The aesthetics of the natural world. Now i know some may think i mean things like amazing point's of view i.e. Everest etc But i don't. If you just spend one moment looking Truly looking at a natural occurence I would posit that you will see beauty. This may not be the case for others but it's certainly true for me. On the note of things i feel cause wonderment, the Stars. Have you ever just lay down on a clear night and gazed into heavens? This sight always fills me with amazement, to gaze into almost one percent of the universe and still be dwarfed by it's size. This might be an odd reaction but I am filled with gladness. Those who know me will likely know i have several metaphorical demons i wrestle with almost constantly. However when i am able to perceive the enormity of creation and consider how utterly insignificant life on our fair and wonderous planet is all i can think is "Fuck it why am i so concerned?" Again this view appears pessimistic however it gives me an existential hope as if earth is so small and so insignificant then i should just live to make myself happy and screw other shit. Well i seem to have rambled on for a pretty long time so i shall bid you fair readers adieu and good night.

An intro

2009-05-12T22:33:00.003+01:00

Hello there interwebs. This is "Optimism in the face of Overriding Nihilism". A blog which will hopefully detail some of my thoughts on various matter's which occur within my life. Firstly the name well as those who know me will know i am a Nihilist. This in it's most basic form mean's that i beleive that there is no inherent Morality or Purpose to existence. Now i am sure you are thinking "My god this guys a depressing Loon." That may be so however i also happen to be an opptimist. Which is a far more common term in to describe someone whom happens to beleive that there can be an upside to all occurences. This viewpoint is peculiar and it's often difficult to balence so i shall hopefully have some thoughts to point out on regular occasions. Now to the second star on the right and straight on till morning!