Midnight Musings

I am here thinking while waiting for a certain someone to turn up online. Wondering about certain aspects of my personality which have recently came into question. If you look to the title of this post you will see which aspect in particular I am thinking about. Well rather you will know of the aspect which I feel I lack. This thought process came about due through a friend being quite excited about the BBC drama Merlin. A show which I abhor but am not going to go into as this isn't a reviewing blog in the slightest.

I am uncertain how to describe this since I am sure the idea of being unable to enthuse over things seems incredibly foreign to you dear friends. This is much how the idea of being able to be enthusiastic is to me. The most prominent example in my mind would be the prospect of either Camp or University. Both were fairly major changes in my life yet I felt very little from them indeed to be honest I felt nothing from either of them. In some ways this scares me a little. I say this because it seems that it is further distancing me from the main body of humanity. That is to say it's a further example of that which plagues my nightmares almost constantly, the concept that although I have the form and relative function of a human. There is nothing which identifies me with them on an emotional level.

I come to this fear because in retrospect I find myself lacking any new emotional bonds in this new place I find myself dropped in. I am able to perceive the joy and the camaraderie which exists here and the potential for such things but I cannot connect to any such ideals. Indeed to return to earlier I feel nothingness there is no connection. To use the example I did to my friend I feel empty. That is to say I feel as though there is a hole within me wherein most are able to place all their emotions. A place I do feel I lack sometimes, please don't mistake me there are definitely times when I know I am feeling things and that I do feel connected with the rest of our species. Yet that doesn't distract from the notion that I do often feel isolated, cast adrift in a sea of ennui.

This I feel does make it harder for me to socialise, as I cannot really engage in the things which they do with any of the vigour that they can. Which is a facet that infuriates me as it ends that I seem to come across as fairly dull I am sure since I end up not really being able express my interests as perhaps as deeply as I could. Purely because I am unable to get completely enthused by them even if it is something I hold incredibly dear to my heart. It was really nailed home to me when I was looking through a friends notes on facebook and they had a section devoted to quotes because they couldn't fit them in into their quote section.

This I feel is something which I urgently need to focus on as the next part of my emotional development. After all no matter how far I may have come if I am unable to connect on any level with other humans surely there is no purpose in me attempting to become more social and engage more with the rest of humanity if I am unable to formulate any form of relation with because I cannot relate to half the emotional spectrum. After all there is a positive to the miring I have had in the negative aspects is that I am surprisingly attuned to those. Which means I am often credited as incredibly caring. Which it is probable I am after all I would gladly sacrifice my happiness if those I loved were to be happy eternally.

This lends itself to a lovely dichotomy wherein I am able to intuitively determine when most people I am close to are upset. However I am only able to grasp people being truly happy and excited about things on an intellectual level. It is a source of great consternation to me as I am unable to match their state correctly or at least I don't believe I do.

Now this whole process may contribute to me only being able to grasp emotional facets on an intellectual level for long periods of time. After all I am not completely unfeeling I do have bouts of positive emotions yet normally they are far too transient to be able to genuinely match these emotions to others. But as I say those who experience long bouts of intense positive emotion are outside of my emotional intellect. Yet I am sure that I probably don't help proceedings by doing this after all I am basically over thinking the whole process and likely making it more complex than it is needed. However this is what is occupying my mind at the moment and this place is basically where I go to vent things in a vaguely rationalised way.

Therefore dear friends I am eternally sorry for my likely apathy I will confess it is occasionally legitimate but sometimes it's because I can't bring forth any legitimate enthusiasm.

Au revoir and fare well friends.